losing close friends

today I made the worst mistake. Someone put their trust in me, and i threw it all away, just because I can't stand up for myself or throw some damn authority around.

and because i fucked it up.

i can't blame anyone but me for this whole stupid useless mess i made.

all i can say is I'm so sorry. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.

and now I finally find someone who feels like i do. not depressed in a medical sense, at least i don't think so, but someone who does feel depressed for no clear reason. why is it now, as 6th form comes to a close, do all the people i wish i'd known from the start appear?

I'd do anything to go back to the start of year 12 and meet the girls. Actually, no. No I wouldn't. I will be honest with you, there is nothing I regret of these last 2 years. I regret the last week. But that's it.

It's really weird. I don't regret Gina. I certainly don't regret Abi. I don't regret only finding my truest friends a few months before we'll be pulled apart again. I don't regret the stupid things I've done. I don't regret a damn thing. Except for this last week or so.

Because without all that, I wouldn't be who I am today. And as much as I do despise myself, I know one thing. I value life a lot more than most people. Not life in general, but the positive sides of life.

This is how I see it. Most of the people in my year spend their lives in either the evening or the dawn. They've felt the same all their lives. It's never been *bad* and it's never been *good*. It's just been... middle. And good for them. I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I pray no one ever has to go through what I did.

But me and my friends (my Real friends), we've been through night. We've gone through the darkest night. A night without even a moon. A night of utter, total darkness. Where you couldn't see a thing. Where all you had to keep you company were those bitter, twisted, horrid thoughts.

But because of that, even the slightest light is met with open arms. When we enter the dawn, the light is almost blinding. We love just being where some people spend their whole lives. And because we love the dawn, we chase it. Chase it until it becomes glorious, beautiful day. A perfect blue sky. A pefect yellow sun, illuminating perfect fields and perfect trees.

For all the pain we've endured, for all those nights you thought it was time to sleep forever, our reward for seeing it all through is that glorious Day. Some of us will only find our dawn, the first rays of light, and that will be enough to blind us with joy.

I love feeling good. I love feeling happy. I'd die to feel loved. For those moments, all of the last 2 years have been worth it. For those emotions most of you just feel, I embrace and rejoice and cherish and love. And it's because of that that I stay here. Waiting in this night for my next ray of light. A flicker of illumination, showing me briefly where I am and what I'm doing.


Wow I went off on a tangent there. Whoops. Where was I? Ah nevermind. I'm sure the people it involved know and those who aren't don't need to.

Good night, dear Blog.