Triangles

There’s a lot more I want to write about, but I can’t. I just can’t seem to type it out or write it down. So I’ll bring up the thing my mum did two days ago. She came home after seeing her psychiatrist. She has to see one now because of the car crash we had, like, 2 years ago. Apparently it did a lot more mental damage than we thought. Anyway, somehow I came up in their discussion and the psychiatrist, Polly, told mum about this “Depression Triangle”. Yep, a shrink finally said the big D and my name in the same sentence, but that’s beside the point right now.

Anyway. Apparently this triangle has three members. Bully, Victim and Rescuer. I was victim, now I’m rescuer. Mum tells me I need to break out of the whole triangle. But I thought about it. And I don’t honestly think I want to.

Yeah, I want to stop feeling down and miserable, but I don’t want to stop looking after my friends. I don’t care about the problems being in the triangle creates. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have real friends. I have people who look up to me, look after me, and care. Is that really such a bad thing to want?

I look at those who aren’t in this triangle. They’re the ones who are lonely. They’re self-centred, selfish and spend most of their lives never really having someone they can call a friend. Don’t tell me I’m bullshitting. My mum is a perfect example.

I guess I’m sick of being selfish. I look at how I used to be, and I realise what an utter prick I was. I used to dream of owning the world. Ruling it all and owning everything. The Omnicron Empire.

Capitalism and greed to the extreme.

And now I look what I have. I look at my wonderful friends. I look at how life is panning out. And I look at my new goals. I want to help my friends. I want to make a positive difference to their lives. I want it to be so that in 5 years someone will say, “You remember Xander?” and my friend will reply “Yeah.”

Is that so much to ask? Is it really that bad? I’ve found my purpose in this life. I’ve found my inner strength and my reason to go on living. Just because it puts me in a bad situation really doesn’t bother me. I love my friends too much to care.