Xander

Ta Ta

2005-05-22T21:29:00.000Z

Okie dokie.

This is my last post.

It has been fun but now I've been told I'm a significant mental risk to others because I am capable of not caring about people.

Aren't I horrid.

So that's that.

My friends will know the location of my new blog when it is online.

Yes, I need my blog because I can vent my frustrations to it.

This has certainly been fun and productive and I do hope to continue to use a weblog to release my emotions.

So goodbye.

All comments are being disabled to prevent my new address appearing here.

To all my readers, I thank you. If you would like to know my new blog address but do not know me personally please send an email to xmakina@gmail.com with the subject "New Blog". Jess and Becky, that's kinda for you two.

Bye Bye xander1987.blogspot.com I will not forget you.

It has to start somewhere
It has to start somehow
What better place than here?
What better time than now?

All Hell Can't Stop Us Now.

^_^

2005-05-20T23:18:00.000Z

Heehee - bugger that.

I just got me an email from Andy Runton. The guy behind Owly =)

And it wasn't just some crappy automail. It was an actual response =)

I'm feeling all Yay! now =) ^_^

I'm buying his second Owly book tomorrow so more ^_^ =)

And it's Jess's first visit to Nottingham tomorrow. We're gonna show her around Void and everything. Wil be muchly fun. Only hope she gets a little better. She says she's feeling really ill and that sucks =(

And then tomorrow, I have to go to this ceremony thingy for my Grandad. It'll be weird. He's a reverand and I'm me... I really want to wear my Devil T-Shirt, just to see his reaction. But then again, I do like my Grandparents so I think I'll just keep it to my Pentagram ring and Dragon pendant =)

I gotta dress all smart apparently, so tomorrow is a tip off between Devil T-Shirt (if it's been washed) or my full greb gear (which I must expand/develop soonish) =)

nighty night world =)

quotation

2005-05-20T23:05:00.000Z

"i think little bits of eternity are made up from everyone's experiences of love"

Not me. Sophie. She asked me to keep that quote safe because she reckons she'll have forgotten it by tomorrow.

I'm not in the mood tonight.

Good night.

I'm gonna stay 18 forver/So we can stay like this forever

2005-05-19T21:42:00.000Z

Congratu-fucking-lations life. Here I am, trying to make something of being 18 and what do you do? Fuck me in the eyes.

Brutally you bastard.

So I thought having a girl OD because of me last year was bad enough? Well now you make someone do it fully.

But now here's the kick.

We fell out just before she finally killed herself.
So I don't actually feel that bad.
Am I the ultimate bastard?
Or do I really not miss what I had?

It's really quite bizarre. I think it's a state of mental shock. Fuck whatever it is. All I know for certain is I'm listening to awesomely funky Electric 6, I'm going to go see Athlete at Derby in November with Sophie (she's a huge fan so we're gonna go together and hopefully meet Charlotte there (yes Marshy, your sis)) (courtesy of Andrew), (wow, this is a fuck off load of brackets) and I've just won me a sword on eBay.

Which sword?
This sword

Heehee =)

So I'm oddly muchly happy.

What else happened toady?

Ooooooh. - I got Mezmerize. It's amazing. I've not listened to it in full - I didn't want to associate Mezmerize with arguing with people. I'll listen to it tomorrow.

And Sophie had her first "free" lesson. I had a free so we went off to the nearby park and chilled until a bunch of idiots turned up and started pissing us both off so we had a long walk back to school. But it was muchly fun. I kinda wish I was year 12 cos then I'd have the EMA and a year with the friends that are staying on.

But age I must and I'm pretty confident on going for the idea I've had to go live in Derby whilst I work at Rolls Royce. I think it'll rock. I'm hoping to flat share with someone in the Osmaston area. I got a limit of £60 a week and I have seen a place that would work really well - so I know they do exist =)

And me and Sophie planned out some ideas for the summer holidays. I've watched whole 6 weeks go to waste because all I planned I never actually did. So this time I'm trying to come up with at least 12 good ideas and do one every week. Cos, ya know, wanna actually Do Something this holiday.

But the half term has kinda snuck up on me. So that should be fun too.

Anyways - off now. Will blog soon. bybye.

Sophie, Movies and wonderful Owly

2005-05-14T22:11:00.000Z

Well - I was out the house for nearly 36 hours. That was fun. Friday night I went to Sophies for a movie night and it was fun. Watched Blade Trinity, which is okay I guess, and House Of Flying Daggers, which is better than Blade:T.

And then we did it again. A sleepover where no one really slept. I ended up dosing on Sophies lap whilst she chatted with JP about stuff. Sophie showed him her diary and it does make damn interesting reading. But I was lapsing in and out of conciousness at this point so I wasn't paying much attention.

We went into Derby today. Went to Purple Haze and while Bob was buying new trousers I got myself this really nice dragon pendant. Was only £2.50 so if I lose it or it breaks it's no biggy. And I saw an Owly comic in Travelling Man. I feel I should talk about Owly. I first found him in Free Comic Book Day. The style of comic is pretty unique. His charachters don't speak per se but use symbols and pictures in the speech bubbles.

The stories are really sweet and touching and I just kinda fell in love with it. So, yeah. I'll probably be carrying a copy around with me for the next few days so those who know me bother me for it if you want to read. I guess it kinda clashed with the whole new Devil T-Shirt... but I don't really care =)

I saw an Owly graphic novel in Travelling Man for £6.50 so I thought if I didn't see anything in Nottingham I'd get it. I didn't see anything in Nottingham =)

And so I now have an amazing Devil T-Shirt and a wonderful Owly novel. I'm getting the second book next week =)

So I'm very happy now. ^_^

Mic Check, Hu ha!

2005-05-12T19:50:00.000Z

hehe - i still love my own company sometimes.

Had double free last so it was into derby for me. Remember that light gun I bought on Saturday? Well it was very broken. So I took it and House Of The Dead 2 back. Gamestation are awesome. No questions asked. Full cash refund. I know where I'm going for my cheapass gaming needs again =)

And so I was in Derby, £15 burning a hole in my pocket and "Rage Against The Machine - The Ghost Of Tom Joad" in my ears. Off to Blue Dove. They've got some muchly funky new stuff in. And there was this T-Shirt... I saw it and I wanted it. But I know me. I'm a shopper who browses then buys. I went around Derby checking out a few places.

Reveal weren't selling either of the albums I was looking for. So that option went. There were a few posters I saw I quite liked. But at £4 a shot.... I was a little wary. And I was hungry. There is No Where in Derby where I can get a good (filling at least) meal (not a baguette or shit like that) for under £4. So I tried this place in the market. It was nice enough.

And during that meal I decided. I'd get the T-Shirt I saw for £10.99, and with the left over £4 get a poster. So I did.

I now have an amazing T-Shirt (wearing it tomorrow) and I got a fantastic poster with this on it ^_^

So that was my day in Derby. Saw some cool Triscele necklace/pendants which I know Sophie will love to see. And I got her movie night tomorrow. Hoping all the movies appear soon =)

And, Jonesy, Thank you for showing me the incredibleness that is Rage =)

For Scooby

2005-05-12T01:05:00.000Z

what do you want me to do?
Cry for the heart that was already broke?
Did you ever stop to think
This was always beyond hope?

I bet you never considered
This is what she wanted all along
She couldn't admit she was ill
She wouldn't see that she was strong

Blame Me
Go ahead
Everyone else did
I'll just hide in my bed

Can you imagine how I feel?
Knowing this is the second time
I've lost someone I love
And all the fault is mine?

But it won't hurt this time
Not as much at least
Because lets face it
Now I know I'm the beast

Blame me
Go ahead
Everyone else did
I'll just hide in my bed

So come now
I know i'm all wrong
Come and hit me all you like
Call me a useless mong
Because I just tried
And I failed
I told you it's what I do
Fail, Fail, Fail

So away you go
Down her broken path
Life gives me wonderful days
And it steals the memories and laughs

This time round I'm ready
This time round I'm prepared
This time round I've done some foreplanning
This time round I'm done with despair

Blame me
Go ahead
Everyone else did
I'll just hide in my bed

I've been broken by this
Been blamed for it all before
You just won't care
Because this all my cause

And so the curtain closes
I thought you'd realise
Now more than ever
I just can't cope with suicide

Photos, Cemetaries and Sophie

2005-05-11T23:52:00.000Z

today was fun.
this evening was even better.

holly took more photos. she's taking photos all week because it's our last week as a gang. after that they leave, and then the group has that horrid chance of never being whole again.

and this evening, after school.... *happy giggle* Wow! =)

I was walking Sophie home and we were talking about her ideas for a photo shoot. She wants to do a few in a cemetery/graveyard and I remembered the one from when me, Andy and Marshy got a bit to drink and went to. So I mentioned it to Sophie and if she was doing anything. She wasn't so we dropped our bags off at hers and I finally had something like a conversation with her mum.

Sophie's mum is a lot cooler when you're talking to her personally rather than through Sophie. And I saw Sophie's dad. He seemed cool. I don't know what to do in the face of praise though. All I can think of is that TV show I saw a few episodes of.

Anyways, we set off to this cemetery. We went through a churchyard (isn't it interesting how many different names there are for the places where we put the dead?) and saw some great places for photos.

As we came up to the church, I said:
"I love religion. They're the greatest marketting department."
"It is beautiful isn't it?" Sophie said, referring to the church
"No." I corrected her. "It's impressive. Now, where we're going, that's beautiful."

As we were hopping over a wall Sophie ripped her jeans quite badly =P =) New jeans to. 4 day old jeans.

We talked and walked and took in the incredible and beautiful views Belper has to offer those that care to look. The best thing is, it's immense in the day, it's wondorous at night.

We went down to the cemetery, but before reaching it we headed off down a worn path that ran alongside the cemetary. We found some awesome places for photos and movie scenes. And the whole are just didn't work. There were old trees but it looked like a house had been there. Not a long time ago neither. There was lots of window glass and red bricks. Not to mention a few broken plant pots and a metal cover with AC/DC on it.

The whole area was naturally wrong. It was brilliant =) And so much of it just begged for photos and filming. Tree frames, abandoned walls, crying tree, wow! It was amazing =)

And then we went to the cemetery. It was weird. Being around so much stuff like that, it makes you appreciate life so much more. And we spent a while on a bench, taking in the view. The view from the cemetary needs to be seen to be believed.

I meant what I said.
I meant every last breath.
I meant every name I called you.
You found me new life in a field of death.

After the cemetery we headed back to Sophies. It's a nice walk back too.

At Sophies her mum offered me tea. That was amazing. The last time I had tea at my friends house (and actually enjoyed it)... we're talking years. Easily. Hell, it verges on ever. Most parents I used to know just seemed to love grease and that's just *shudders* blegh. Sophie's mum is a great cook. No grease, nothing excessive, just a damn good meal.

And why am I getting so hung up on this? Because I've been cooking my own meals for the last 5 months. It makes you appreciate the distinct lack of cooking and cleaning, not to mention the quality of the meal.

Anyways, 5 outta 5 =)

Me and Sophs headed up to her room. We chilled, chatted, cuddled occassionally, and listened to music. We also got to see some of the photos Holly took today. Erg. I look shocking in most of them. Worse than usual.

But again, I meant it honey
I meant it when I said it
You rock more than anyone else
And not just because you listen when I feel like shit.

And there's an awesome photo of Brendan with the best caption ever. "Gay people do it best."

=)

So that was my day today. I missed a fair bit, becuase honestly I'm tired and my memory department closes at 7pm. After that it's a skeleton crew and they're not very good.

My MSN Space

2005-05-10T21:07:00.000Z

I got one of these new fangled MSN spaces. It's not too good, but I do use it to put piccies on, so you can go see what my friends look like =)

http://spaces.msn.com/members/xander1987/

Yeah =)

There's also a few links to my friends Spaces. I've done it again. This blog has rubbed off on them and now they're getting their own on MSN. Hehe. I'm infecitous =)

Quadruple Free Tuesday

2005-05-10T10:45:00.000Z

Oh monsieur Blog, I simply must share this fine piece of fantastic news.

What was to be triple business is now quadruple free! I have got frees for the next 4 lessons!!! ^_^

But, alas, in school I must remain. I have a *ton* of work to do for business and ICT. Maths can go stick itself - I don't get it and I don't think I will in 4 weeks.

I'm not being defeatist, I'm being a realist. There's no point wasting time on a subject where I may just scrape an E when I can concentrate on pushing my other subjects up to A's.

Besides, Stafford doesn't care about my maths grade and Huddersfield doesn't even know I've taken it.

Anyways, a little bit of news in this crazy little world. Hopped onto my Hamsticus MSN account to find lil' miss Bitch (aka Gina) had added me to her contact list.

Turns out she added me for "sentimental value". But she's trying to forget her past... by being sentimental... hmmm... anyways, she's realised she was in the wrong (took her long enough) and doesn't want forgiveness. Which is just as well because she wasn't getting any.

And so, last night, I was thinking. The only person who I'm still getting problems off isn't actually Gina, it's her little sister Savannah. She still acknowledges my presence with an insult and she's still going full steam with her lies and rumors. Honestly, someone who saw this from outside would think I'd broken up with Sav, not Gina. Heh.

And so, back to the grind. I have some financial accounts to balance and some finance theories to learn. Then I need to work on my ICT coursework because it seems there is a great deal of it still missing. Oh dear...

And I got bored and worked out that over the weekend, my blog got 25 readers a day. I have 25 regular readers and to you 25 I offer my biggest hugs and thanks for actually coming here and reading this tripe of a life.

But all things considered, I feel better. Sure my eye is still being a bitch. Yesterday it felt like I had a piece of broken needle in it. It had the sharp sensation, but when I rubbed it it felt better, hence the broken needle. Or sand. But there's no sand around here so that's silly.

I think it's a two pronged attack. Conjunctivitus and Hayfever are ganging up on my poor right eye. It got so bad yesterday I actually had the day off work. You try pushing trolleys and rubbing your eyes at the same time. Even worse, changing bins. Imagine what kinda crap I'd have got in my eye if I'd had to change a particularly bad bin =/

What else is there to bore you with.... I think that's it. Star Wolves is an amazing game. Go get it.

Ooooh - how could I forget that? Miss Sophie is having herself a movie night this friday. Should be good fun. Blade Trinity, King Arthur uncut, and one other title which I've never heard of. And there'll be delicious Mars Bar Cake. It's the only cake that comes close to tying with my mums Chocolate Fudge Cake. It's like heaven in a bite. My mums only wins out because it has creamy chocolate stuff and that's half the fun when it comes to cakes ^_^

See, I'm a cake conniesuer (sp) too =)

Well... that killed a few minutes. Back to work...

"Today was..." "A day."

2005-05-07T20:50:00.000Z

Today was fun. I went to somewhere totally new - Anchor. I don't think that's how you spell it but I really don't care. Went with Bob and JP.

Meh fuggit. Suffice to say bob got a cool hat and loads of random stuff off of JP for his b-day.

Twas fun. But not really a load to talk about.

Missed Sophie though. It was weird going to the Chinese at lunch and not having any of the usualy people there. Especially sharing rice with Simon. Didn't like that half as much as sharing with Lou or Sophie.

it strange how some people
come into you lives and change it all
sometimes for the best
sometimes they just slam you into a wall

hmmm... I don't really know where to go tonight. I wanna write some stuff, but there's really nothing to talk about.

I guess... I'm gonna go see if my new Lightgun is bust.

Oh - and one thing before I go. 3082 hits.... I gotta say, I'm speechless. I know most of it will be generated by simple page reloads but even on a 3:1 basis (Index, Post, Comment box) that's still 1000. And I'll be honest, I never expected this thing to get people so bothered.

Thank you all - it's nice to know there are some people out there who actually seem to give a shit. (Even if it is just as a way to doss out of Jim's ICT lessons, hehe =) )

Oh dear. Oh my

2005-05-07T00:21:00.000Z

Oh Blog. I don't know what to do.

Nothings making sense again. But some things are. And other things aren't.

I hate hypocrites. I hate having to swing from one side to the other, just to stop myself hurting everyone.

Uncomfortable silences suck.
Especially when they're with someone you thought was a good friend.

Bravery is so obvious. To come up with a plan too.... I'm so proud of her. She's doing a lot better than I ever did.

It's nice to feel something I've not felt for a long time. It ain't love... that was different. But there's that feeling I felt as the relationship entered that wonderful phase. Companionship. It isn't constant, only when she's there. But just to feel it again.... if you know what I'm talking about you'll know why I missed it.

I want to write some poems again.
Some poems from the heart.
Something beautiful, just like she is
I just don't know where to start.

I want to make something special
Something meaningful and deep
Something as good to her
As she is to me

I think it's kinda cool
How I wrote this on the fly
She's doing it again
Inspiring this creativity inside

My muse is still here
I just lost sight of her
That won't happen again
Not while she's still on this earth

I'm so lucky sometimes. I guess that's why I hate it when I feel so crummy.

Explanations Of Silence

2005-05-04T18:59:00.000Z

i guess i owe my readers a little explanation:

I've not been writing here because, frankly, I've not felt up to it. An awful lot has happened over the last week or so that I've just been drained and crap.

My sad moods are picking up in frequency and intensity. The last 3 days I've felt about a step away from breaking down into tears. I don't think it's ever been this prolonged. A lot of crap is happening in my friendship group and I guess that isn't really helping. But friends stick by each other and dammit that's what i'm gonna do.

I now have 4 main hassles in my life. My new boots are still adjusting to my feet and the back of my left foot has been rubbed to such a point where I've got quite the limp. I need to buy some good socks. I reckon that'll sort the problem out.

My back is playing up (again). I keep getting sharp, sudden stabbing pains in my lower back. Sometimes it hurts in my right leg to. The doctor says I need to go to physio. I need to give them a call sometime soonish.

My other (previously good) eye now has conjunctivtus too. _Joy_. It's like having sand in your eye. I've got some ointment for it. Gonna start taking it tomorrow.

And I told my doc about how I've been feeling. He reckons it's stress, not depression, so that's good news. It means that once I get out of this shithole of a school I should feel better. I hope so. I'm hoping my plan to have 2 months totally to myself will help matters. He didn't say it but he implied that if I'm still feeling bad once I've started working at Rolls Royce I should see him again.

Couple all that with the fact I've been so tired these last few days and I hope that explains the lack of posting.

Now I'm gonna get some tea. I'm famished.

Double free first?

2005-04-27T10:37:00.001Z

Well blog. This is weird. Today has been weird.

It's sophies 16th - happy birthday, hon =)

But that's not it. Not at all. No. What is strange is what's happened to me today.

I got up as usual and did my usual morning routine. But I didn't have any squash in to drink and toast leaves a horrible aftertaste. I did have one source of flavoured drink. My bottle of Archers Aqua. I know there's a rule about not drinking before midday, but I thought fuckit. I want to get rid of this taste and Archers does taste gorgeous. So I had 3 gulps and moved on.

I came into school early. Not early, but I had a free first so I didn't need to be in until just now. But I've put my PC into a huge defrag session so I had nothing to do.

I've been in the best mood I've been in for a while. Played cards without being bored and had a laugh with a few lads from 6th Form.

Then I found out I didn't need to go to maths second becuase the teacher isn't here =)

But that lesson also clashed with IT. So I though "Lets go to IT instead." It's a coursework hand-in day so I thought it'd be useful. Went to IT, got all my coursework together and showed my teacher.

He said he was expecting at least double the amount. I was shocked. I've put a whole lot more effort into this current piece than I have any other, and I'll be honest I'm pleased with how it's turned out. Then for him to tell me he was expecting double, I was just a little stunned.

I told him, jokingly, "Go screw yourself then because this is all I've got." and the guy just got so nasty. He just told me to get out and come see him at lunch. I apologised, I didn't mean to offend him that badly, but he just told me to leave.

So.... yeah.... That's weird. Now I'm missing my ICT lesson I didn't need to go to in the first place (and fuck him if he thinks I'm bothering with this Wednesday lesson ever again) and I've got nothing to do.

My coursework is done, so I can't do that. So here I am, writing here. Fucking cheap uselessness. I'm bored.

Memorable Quote

2005-04-24T20:39:00.000Z

"I need days like this."
"What? Shopping?"
"Heh. No. Days where I just forget everything and have a good time."
"Yeah. I guess you of all people have earned it."

I'll leave you to work out who said what.

And in a wonderful twist, after spending a whole day quietly laughing at people with a lot more money than sense, I woke up this morning to find my parents have spent £67 on a bin to put in the kitchen. It should be pointed out that within arms reach of the back door is the wheelie bin. The distance between this £67 bin and the wheelie bin is about 2 meters.

I love irony. It always make me crack this smile which looks like I'm about to cry.

Shopping, Champagne and Lou

2005-04-24T18:20:00.000Z

Let me apologise in advance for the next post. This is one of those "I did this then we did that" posts. I don't normally write them, but yesterday I never want to forget. And my memory is horrendous at the best of times. So here we go:

Oh WOW! Yesterday was like, the best day Ever =)

Let me give you a quick bit of background. Lou is probably the girl I have the most respect for out of the whole group. She's a really incredible person and she's so strong it amazes me.

But gods she can be a handful if she chooses to be. She especially enjoys hassling JP, as I'm sure he will testify should you ask him. She'll deny the lot and tell you "But I'm lovely". Don't believe a word.

So because of this I think "I'll get an early night tonight" on friday and hit the hay at 10pm. However, my useless body-clock isn't used to having more than 6 hours sleep on a Friday night. So at 4am on Saturday I'm wide awake. Tried going back to sleep, but to no avail. My PC was snarled up defragmenting itself so gaming wasn't an option.

Did some dull stuff before boredom took over and it was off to Derby at 9am. Lou was getting in at 1015am so I had a while to wander round. Got some awesome new jeans, which I changed into in the Maccy D's toilets. What? I wanted to wear them.

Met up with Lou and we headed into Notts. Lou was in a wondeful mood that day. She was just so full of happiness and we spent the whole day talking about anything and everything. When we got to Notts we worked out what each of us were shopping for. Lou wanted some "random stuff" and I was looking for patches. We also both wanted to do some exploring. We always go to Notts in big groups (normally 6+) so with it being just us 2 we had a lot more freedom to actually go Into shops rather than window shop.

On the Red Arrow, Lou saw something in the man in front of us newspaper about a cannibal being retrialed for murder. I could see her struggling to read it so I leaned over and started reading it to her. My eyesight is Amazing. Then, about halfway through the article I think the man noticed. Oops. =) He ruffled his paper and turned the page. he also shot me a nasty look. I blamed Lou entirely. ^_^

Got into Notts and went through the Victoria centre and wandered around a little. We ended up going down this bit we've never found before. OMGs - There's a Tesco in the Victoria. It's huge and we never even knew it was there. Then we found a blue lift. It didn't smell blue. I was disappointed. And when we got off the blue lift, we were right back at where we'd come in. Lou suggested we go round giving the stores deja-vu so we did. Don't know how well it worked though but it was fun =)

We also went into John Lewis. To put it simply: bizarre objects, insane (4 figure) prices. We must have looked so... odd. Me at least. Let me give you the image as it becomes a running theme:

Me in a System Of A Down hoodie, my hair in a state, jeans with a chain hanging down to just above my knees, and considerable stubble on my face. I have the real "greasy greb" look happening. Lou is in her Nightmare Before Christmas top and jeans. She looks nicer (but she always does). Both of us, in one of the poshest shops you've ever seen. ^_^ I wish I could have seen the reaction of some of the snobs, just for giggles.

So that was fun. Lou wants to collect clocks. There were some really weird clocks there. I don't like Lou's creepy clocks. But I want to go live at her house when she gets one. She's gonna jam it full of all that really weird stuff. And some people will pay £6 for a dustpan and brush.

We left John Lewis and went into a few more shops. Then we went into the Arcade. It's this cluster of really posh shops. And I Mean posh. There's one we always walk pass which sells artwork. As it was just us two we went in. This woman said "hi" to us and Lou said "hi" back. Lou's a waitress so she responds well to total strangers. Then the woman offered us champagne. There was an art exhibition on the other floor so they were offering champagne. I believe her words were "We're using it as an excuse to drink." And any excuse is a good excuse. I don't like Champagne but Lou does. We went downstairs.

Wow there was some good art down there. Normally I'm never the kind of person who can appreciate art. I can't stand that crappy "modern art" and the classic portraits just bore me. But Lou seems to bring out an appreciation. We have very similar tastes in a few aspects. We both like the stuff that's a lot deeper than what it first seems like and also the stuff which... I dunno how to explain it. The stuff that makes an impact on you. The art down there consisted mostly of pictures in the same style. The painting would be mostly just a white/grey background and then one highly detailed, but small, charachter around the bottom. It just projected that feeling of loneliness. Lou was astounded. I was impressed.

It should be pointed out here that Lou Always vocalises her opinion and she was doing just that. For a change her opinions were positive and this other woman overheard us both talking about it and started talking to us. I let Lou do the talking, I had seized up. I don't talk well to total strangers and I did kinda feel outta place. Lou and this woman talked for a little bit about the art, what they both liked, that it was our first time really looking around, and then the woman asked.

"Which universities do you both go to?"
"Err... We don't." I told her, somewhat embarassed.
"Oh."
"Yeah. I'm just finishing 6th Form and this one's not even finished her GCSE's." Then I realised what Lou was holding. Her champagne glass. I put my hand over the glass. "But don't tell anyone." I joked.
The woman apologised for putting us as a lot older than we actually were, not that either of us were particuarly upset, and proceeded to talk a little more about Lou's art GCSE. I'm just it was Lou she was talking to. I've not touched art since year 9.

So that was fun. And it's not even been 2 hours yet. Lou is a slow drinker but wanted to move on so she put the champagne down and we headed off.

We went looking for Motel, a clothes store. Yeah, I gave her a funny look too when she told me she "needed to go to motel." We were on the bus and well... my head put an "a" in there out of default. I think the blank, slightly worried look I gave her was why she told me it was a clothes store.

Wandered up and down this hill looking for motel. And we saw this awesome wood barrier, fencing off a construction site. All over it was these architechture quotes. I tried reading it all but it gave me a headache. It was insane. Wish I had had a camera to show it you.

We found Motel and did some more wandering. Another place of note is this designer furntiture store we found. Another ultra posh shop having a greasy greb and "Lovely" Lou trapsing round it =)

But this place was also amazing. Everything was in that ultra modern look. And some of the paintings were stupid. I still don't know how that picture was a fox. But I found this oh-so comfy couch thing. I sat in it and it did nothing short of verbally pleading with me to relax into it. It was amazing. If I had one I'd probably never get up from it. Seeing some of those rooms made Lou's future home seem all the more interesting.

Lunch. Went to our favorite restaurant. This really nice Chinese just off the Square. Was my turn to buy the drinks. Me and Lou have this thing where we get Sweet & Sour Chicken and rice, share it and the cost between us both, and the one who paid £1.95 instead of £2 buys the drinks. Aren't we interesting =)

More browsing and wandering. Neither of us have bought anything yet, apart from me and my jeans in Derby, so we decided to start shopping. I needed patches so it was off to the Cluster as I now call it. The Cluster is a group of shops which cater for the alternative tastes. Retro gamers, heavy metal, indy, army, those kind of stores. But they were all shut. I was disappointed (again).

So after that I treated myself and Lou to an ice cream. We sat in the Square for a bit and just watched the people mingle. I don't really care why, but more people seem to keep looking at me. I guess the mess on my head will draw the odd, apalled, stare.

So delicious ice-cream consumed it was off to Glad Rags. They've not improved, sadly. There's nothing there I really like. I might buy that Linkin Park banner though. But I'll need £10 just burning a hole in my pocket.

We hit all the usual stores but nothing really grabbed either of our attentions.

We wandered more and found ourselves in Fopps. Or something like that. Huge CD/DVD/Book store. A few books caught Lou's attention; this really good art one, a story she's been wanting to read and "The Melancholy Death Of Oyster Boy" by Tim Burton. We decided to browse more before buying.

We did some more looking and browsing and then realised it was almost 5pm. We realised we'd done all the browsing we could and so started spending. Lou got some stuff she'd seen in the other stores and got the books from Fopps. I couldn't decide between "Battle Royale" and "Audition" DVDs. They're both from Japan with subtitles. I've got Battle Royale, albeit stored on my PC, so I knew it was good, but Audition sounded like one of those really creepy movies which I really love.

I got neither. I'll get them both when I next go in and have more money.

And so my day with Lou came to a close. We hopped on the Red Arrow back home and snagged the back seat. It was amazing. We'd spent longer in Notthingham as just the pair of us than we ever had with the whole group by a good few hours. On the way back I tried to talk Lou into joining the rest of us down at the River Gardens but she's not so used to being on her feet and was too drained. I was saddened but understood.

We looked at her new "Art Now" book. Some of the art was really good again. We just looked at pictures and finished it before we got back to Derby. As George Bush Jr. put it so aptly "the best thing about books is looking at the pictures". =)

What, you think I could write this much without slipping in one political statement?

Anyway, we got back to Derby and onto the Transpeak home. Lou read TMDOOB to me on the way there. It's a really good book and incredibly well written. On the surface it can seem very silly, almost juvinielle I guess. But if you look just that little bit deeper, discover the hidden meanings, it's actually very adult and quite depressing. What no one can argue about is that it's short.

It was a perfect length though, Lou finished reading to me just as we got into Belper. I thanked her for such a good day, hugged, and hopped off the bus. With quite the smile on my face.

So that was my day with Lou. I met up with the rest of the gang and spent some time down at the River Gardens. It was fun. But I think I've written enough for one post.

Another Poem

2005-04-21T14:57:00.000Z

Hey. Told you I'd written two poems. Here's the other one:

Part Of Me

This part of me won’t go away
Every day I try to rip it out
But every day I give in
Every day I lose a part of myself

My family tells me
It’s no good for my life
But what they don’t realize
Is I don’t give in to the knife

They can’t understand this
I know because I was the same
They should try
Because they’ll end up the same

I don’t want to lose this
I don’t want to go back
Just because I don’t look it
I’m happier now than I was in the past

Yeah. That one was written while I was thinking about this whole triangle thing. It seems to be known as the "Drama Triangle" but when I looked it up on the 'net, I found I wasn't actually too deep in it. It sounds more like the Rescuer role is completed by a person who forces their assistance on others and is hurt when their help is rejected.

honestly, I don't that I'm like that. I say I'm there and leave it at that. If they want my help, they get it. If they don't, they don't. I know you can't force help on someone if they don't want it. I hope some people learn that soon.

But I got to get on with this business coursework. Got to evaluate everything. _fun_

And thank you Scooby, that was really sweet of you. =) I'd have replied if I had any credit.

Poems on today

2005-04-20T17:48:00.000Z

Secret Lovers
A problem
Is never yours
A secret
Is never your own

You can't keep
This to just you
To do so is selfish
You've no idea what it can do

You've no idea
Who you've hurt
All prolonging it did
Was make it worse

I hope you were happy
Because you've broken so many hearts
And now you know
This secret was more
Than the sum of its parts

I have another poem from today, but it's on the school computers so I'll post it tomorrow. No blog today. Too tired to care.

Triangles

2005-04-20T09:41:00.000Z

There’s a lot more I want to write about, but I can’t. I just can’t seem to type it out or write it down. So I’ll bring up the thing my mum did two days ago. She came home after seeing her psychiatrist. She has to see one now because of the car crash we had, like, 2 years ago. Apparently it did a lot more mental damage than we thought. Anyway, somehow I came up in their discussion and the psychiatrist, Polly, told mum about this “Depression Triangle”. Yep, a shrink finally said the big D and my name in the same sentence, but that’s beside the point right now.

Anyway. Apparently this triangle has three members. Bully, Victim and Rescuer. I was victim, now I’m rescuer. Mum tells me I need to break out of the whole triangle. But I thought about it. And I don’t honestly think I want to.

Yeah, I want to stop feeling down and miserable, but I don’t want to stop looking after my friends. I don’t care about the problems being in the triangle creates. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I have real friends. I have people who look up to me, look after me, and care. Is that really such a bad thing to want?

I look at those who aren’t in this triangle. They’re the ones who are lonely. They’re self-centred, selfish and spend most of their lives never really having someone they can call a friend. Don’t tell me I’m bullshitting. My mum is a perfect example.

I guess I’m sick of being selfish. I look at how I used to be, and I realise what an utter prick I was. I used to dream of owning the world. Ruling it all and owning everything. The Omnicron Empire.

Capitalism and greed to the extreme.

And now I look what I have. I look at my wonderful friends. I look at how life is panning out. And I look at my new goals. I want to help my friends. I want to make a positive difference to their lives. I want it to be so that in 5 years someone will say, “You remember Xander?” and my friend will reply “Yeah.”

Is that so much to ask? Is it really that bad? I’ve found my purpose in this life. I’ve found my inner strength and my reason to go on living. Just because it puts me in a bad situation really doesn’t bother me. I love my friends too much to care.

The Real People

2005-04-18T21:51:00.000Z

Well here's something for you.

Was waiting for my bus home from work when this guy asked me if the bus was to Ripley. It was so I said so and he sat down next to me.

We started talking. Poor chap had been really fucked over by his ex. I mean, while Gina messed my head up and made me do loads of mental work (picking her up nearly 24/7, being at her beck-and-call at all hours, fake suicides, ya know... the usual), this guys ex had been getting him to do loads of manual labour. The guy had been working on a roof, got drenched, got himself cut with a rusty nail and spent the last 4 months in hospital.

This guy had been through so much shit it really put my life into perspective. He was homeless, presumably penniless, depressed, fucked around, the whole lot. But he was so... real. He wasn't these people in a suit who goes around thinking they're kings of the world because they have a nice apartment, this guy knew who he was, what he felt, how his life was panning out. I have a load of respect for this guy.

So yeah... I guess it's kinda weird. I was in Derby a few days ago when I saw a group of homeless people gathered in a little corner, talking. It seems so... amazing. It's these people who have the worst lives. They really have nothing. They only have themselves and each other.

That tangent has now been defeated by MIT:A... Wow Sophie. Moment In Time: Apocalypse is just... it's incredible. It puts you in a bear hug and doesn't let go until it's broken all your ribs. It's too awesome. I'll post the link once I have it uploaded to my site.

So yeah... MIT:A has kinda made my night so I'll stop here. Night.

in my field

2005-04-18T14:58:00.000Z

have you ever felt alone in a crowd? no matter how many people are around you... you just don't feel like anyone's really there...

i dunno. i just feel like that right now. it just feels like everyones a room away. even when i lean on them. i'm sure it's just stress again. this week is the *big week* for everything. all the deadlines are this week. and there's some pretty extreme mess in the group.

"paper flowers"

i want to find that place... where i can escape to. i just lose myself in computer games. anything that helps me forget for a while. i dunno. i expected to feel like this. like i've got a mile wide exclusion zone around me. but just because that's what i was expecting doesn't make it any easier to bear.

If I was at home I'd just crawl into bed and sleep. but i'm in a shitty useless business lesson which Steve hasn't even turned up to yet. and i've got work tonight. and a shit load of forms for rolls royce to fill in. and i just want to sleep

steve's here. gotta go.

What a night

2005-04-18T00:41:00.000Z

Oh my, Blog. I have just had one hell of a weekend.

you already know about Saturday, but today has been something all together more... bad.

I woke up today and events took their course until I was listening to "Box Of Contradiction" by the wonderfully talented Miss Lucy Day (buy her albums). I don't know if that was quite why what happened, happened, or if it just added to it. As it stands, I went down to get some breakfast, got about 3/4 through it, then my appetite just disappeared. I just felt awful.

I excused myself, went up to my room and cried. I don't know where it came from and it wasn't anything major, but I just lay there and cried for about 5 minutes. I'll be honest, I think it was stress. Got a whole load too much of that this weekend. So that sucked.

Work was shit. Just dragged on and on. And Jilly's been moved to kiosk, which sucks a whole lot because she's always a good laugh and a fun person. *shrugs* I wanted to keep myself to myself today anyway so I guess it wasn't all that bad.

And then we get to this evening. I spent most of it concentrating on my latest project, a website about a collection of stories some of the girls have written called "Moment In Time". I'll post a link when I feel the site is up to a quality that it can accept visitors.

Then I get an email from someone called Jill with the rather eye-catching subject line "Scooby - missing - dead?" As you can imagine my heart skipped more than a few beats and the headache wasn't too far behind. A small email conversation ensued wherein I began to ring Scoobys phone franticaly. To my anchor:**Thank you (again) for being there when I needed you**

It was all getting a bit much so I dumped a small fragment of the stress back onto its source. You know who you are and I did it because, at the end of the day, it's your fault and I have more than enough to worry about right now without that whole mess you've got tangled up in.

Anyway, I just tried to concentrate on other things but my phone never left my side and I always rang every 10 mins. Then I tried something maddeningly daft and decided I'd be better off around other people so I went downstairs and just crawled up to dad and started crying again. You've no idea how much my heart jumped when my phone let off one weak little "beep". I pulled out my phone. "1 missed call"... "Scooby"

I rang her back as quick as I could and hearing her voice... I can't explain how you feel in that position. When you know someone you feared was dead is still alive... it really is indescribable.

But I knew we weren't out of the woods yet as my precious little Scooby has asthma and in her state it would probably have been fatal, so I asked Scooby where she was and she told me. I passed that on back to her friend and she said she knew where it was and headed off.

I killed the best part of £7-8 credit tonight. But it was more than worth it just to hear your voice.

She got back safe and sound and right now she should either having something to eat or be in bed. My prayers and thoughts are still with you, hon, and I'm looking forward to May ^_^

So there we go. Now I have this story to add to the life-experiences as well. And this is why I was acting funny tonight and will probably be all weird tomorrow.

And now, I must sleep too. Otherwise I'm just gonna pass out and drool on the keyboard and that's not pleasant.

Much love to my 2 bestest-friends in the world. You both know who you are =)

Night, Blog.

the reason i try

2005-04-17T00:44:00.000Z

good morning blog

well... morning anyway. not feeling tremendously positive right now and i just want to scribble some stuff down.

i wish it wasn't all so complicated. i wish i could do something to make it all make just a little sense. but no. it's complex and it hurts my head.

thank you for being there.

you're my anchor to reality
my last hold on sanity
that's why i hold you like i do
because i don't want to let you go

you give me that comfort i need
that place i so desire
you give me somewhere to rest
when my soul begins to tire

you're the one
who makes me forget
and you're the one
who listens when i'm upset

You know who you are, hon. *hugs* I'm grateful for every moment we spend together.

Stupid People, Sad Poems, Super Patches

2005-04-15T20:38:00.000Z

Heylo Blog. Been an... up'n'down day today. Let's start chronogically.

Been feeling pretty bad today. Very tired, miserable and just a little introverted. So much so that I fell asleep at Lunch time (Thank you Sophie, you're too damn sweet sometimes) and then again in the common room during 4th.

During 4th, I wanted to be alone, so I went down to the Brook. The brook runs just outside school and I used to play there when I was in year 8. I felt terrible. So much so I wrote this.

Let me sleep
And never wake
All this life
Is more than I can take

Let me fall
From this grace
I don't belong
In this place

I try to help
But it's all too much
I love you so
But I've fallen out of touch

Let me sleep
Lie in the dark
Let me rest
My weary heart

Yeah. I was feeling very negative. But I think this little verse sums it up:

The mask is a lie
But it's better than what I'm trying to hide

So I went back to the common room and... well, I fell asleep. Apparently Pete Smith poked me but I don't remember anything.

So that was 4th. Wonderful. Afternoon break comes round and I meet up with the gang. I sit next to Sophie and she's being very supportive. I rest my head on her shoulders for a few moments.

Okay. Now I want you to picture this. Myself, leaning against a girl who, despite her constant denial of it, is muchly pretty. Not only this but every person around me is also a girl. So I'm one guy in a crowd of girls. When some lad turns up and starts showing off this barbed-wire. Fuck knows where he got it from, I was too tired to care. Remember that picture? The guy comes up to me and goes "Hey gayboy. Want to buy this barbed wire?"

Yeah.

Seriously, I think stupid people should be shot on sight. And then the shooter should be rewarded. Gah! WTF? I'm leaning against a girl for the gods sake! Stupid people make me laugh though. I just told Sophie how he really thinks. "Just because he wants me to suck his dick doesn't mean I'm gay."

Let's face it, the ones who spend most of their lives calling me, bob and all my other guy friends homosexual are the ones who spend their lives around other men. A prime example, Ash Noble. He spends his whole time falsely assuming my sexual orientation, while I'm out with the girls I might add, and then spends the best part of 3 hours crammed into a car with 5 other hot, sweaty lads.

Yeah. And I'm the gay one, apparently. Hell, even if I was he'd have no chance with me. I'm *way* too good for that trailer trash ^_^

Bit of a tangent there. Whoops. Sorry, but it's been playing on my mind for a while so I thought I'd put it here.

Anyway, the final item. I just put my LP patch onto my coat. It looks Awesome! And I didn't botch the stitching or anything. I'm well chuffed ^_^ I'll be taking it for it's big trials tomorrow down at Notts. Tomorrows gonna be fun. Holly's joining us and she's bringing Phillip. He's coming up to 19, so I won't be the eldest (and therefore the one who has to be responsible) anymore. ^_^

Will let you know how it goes.

And thanks again Miss Sophie. You were really there for me today. *hugs to Sophie*

One day on

2005-04-15T07:45:00.000Z

LOL - I just had to tell you this one, blog.

Was just talking to mum about Saturday. I'm gonna go on a *big* shopping spree and getting myself a really high-quality school/work bag (yeah, so high quality it'll last me into Rolls Royce, so I'm talking some premium gear), some new shoes and to round it off some nice bottoms to go with said shoes.

2 days ago I hadn't got anything even approaching substantial in my cupboard. I lived the last 3 days or so on biscuit fragments, and other assorted crap. The closest thing I had to a meal was on Monday when I went and stole some bread from my parents bread-bin and did myself beans on toast.

Just thought I'd put that wonderful change in here, cos it made me smile, and right now I *need* any excuse for a smile.

boom boom boom!

2005-04-13T23:53:00.000Z

Wowie Blog. I've had a fun little day today.

Me and Sophie seem to be back on good terms - she's back to leaning on me so yay! ^_^ I love it when she leans on me. But don't tell her. Keehee.

And I'm feeling really weird right now. I'm all excited and suchness ^_^ I feel all.... anime? Is that it? I'd say that was it =)

Why am I excited, you ask. Because I had two great things happen today. Well 3, but you already know the first cos I told you up there =P

The other things happened after school in Derby. Went in on my own and saw an *Awesome* backpack. Although, I think I might be getting a little excessive on the Meteora gear. But it is Awesome. And there's a wallet that matches being sold there too. Sure it's a little pricey, but screw that. What are savings for I ask you?

And on the way home (I got the wrong bus so had a good half hour walk - excercise did me good though) guess who pulled up to me in their car? Only Kim and Emma! I've not seen them in like, 2 years? We have *loads* of catching up to do. Yus! ^_^ Meeting them tomorrow at our old hang out - should be fun.

And then to close today on a high, Scooby was feeling muchly positive and when she's happy, it always makes me happy ^_^

And I really used my notepad today. Wrote a whole poem on the bus home. It's not... random... i'm a bit nervous about the use of the word, but it is really daft. I hope the person it was written for likes it ^_^

Goodnight blog. 'Til next time =)

age

2005-04-13T14:41:00.000Z

You know what is odd? How some things only seem doable once you reach a certain age. Take sellotape for example. Just a few months ago, I couldn’t use sellotape to save my life. I’d always get in a mess with it and I’d just give up and mum would take over.

But a few days ago at work, I needed to tape up a box to put some broken glass in. I reached for some sellotape, and used it perfectly. It was really odd, like it wasn’t me doing it. Weird. Gotta go, lessons over.

Now fly away

2005-04-13T14:26:00.000Z

Just tapped this out whilst listening to High Above The Sky in an ICT lesson. Very odd.

Time To Run, Time To Fly
It’s time to run
Time to fly
Run as hard as you can
Leap until you touch the sky

Get away from all this
Hatred, darkness, evil
Leave it all behind
Create an upheaval

Let’s find the sky
And lose ourselves in a cloud
Smile as we look at ourselves
Realise you make me so proud

For sticking with the mess
Sticking with the horror
This salvation is your prize
Take it and keep your honour

Dreams and Wakings

2005-04-13T07:56:00.000Z

had a strange dream last night.

don't remember any of the context all i remember is what i tell you.

i was looking at my leg. the top of my right one. about where my hands are when they're in my pocket. i was looking at my leg and i saw two little bubbles come up from it. they were crimson. blood. so i got a towel and dabbed it on the blood. and then more came. and i looked at the towel and it was drenched in blood. it was folded in half with the blood radiating out from the centre. the middle bit was so dark red it was almost black. and i looked at my leg and saw the two drops were expanding, running down cuts that were already there.

the lines ran down to form an A shape but then continued running until it formed the words "SAY HELLO". The "say" was written but the "hello" was all crumpled up into the space of about one letter.

After that I woke up.

**huge cuddles to Miss Scooby**

have you ever

2005-04-12T14:12:00.000Z

A little something I scribbled down about... 20 mins ago I guess.

Have you ever felt
Alone in a crowd
Have you ever thought
That it’s all without sound

Everytime your mouth opens
And you try to speak
It all gets silenced
It’s enough to make a guy freak

All you want to do
Is tell her how you feel
Tell her what you her to know
Tell her how she makes you real

But something blocks you
Something stupid or useless
Like wanting to curl up in a ball
Don’t you hate being nervous?

You just want the dream to end
Wake up back in my bed
Safe from all this hurt
And with a clear head

The dream just gets worse
The mistakes just keep growing
Like a shadow on the soul
You give up hoping

Hoping on a world
That never was and never will be
The light that once blinded
Finally fails me

losing close friends

2005-04-11T23:49:00.000Z

today I made the worst mistake. Someone put their trust in me, and i threw it all away, just because I can't stand up for myself or throw some damn authority around.

and because i fucked it up.

i can't blame anyone but me for this whole stupid useless mess i made.

all i can say is I'm so sorry. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.

and now I finally find someone who feels like i do. not depressed in a medical sense, at least i don't think so, but someone who does feel depressed for no clear reason. why is it now, as 6th form comes to a close, do all the people i wish i'd known from the start appear?

I'd do anything to go back to the start of year 12 and meet the girls. Actually, no. No I wouldn't. I will be honest with you, there is nothing I regret of these last 2 years. I regret the last week. But that's it.

It's really weird. I don't regret Gina. I certainly don't regret Abi. I don't regret only finding my truest friends a few months before we'll be pulled apart again. I don't regret the stupid things I've done. I don't regret a damn thing. Except for this last week or so.

Because without all that, I wouldn't be who I am today. And as much as I do despise myself, I know one thing. I value life a lot more than most people. Not life in general, but the positive sides of life.

This is how I see it. Most of the people in my year spend their lives in either the evening or the dawn. They've felt the same all their lives. It's never been *bad* and it's never been *good*. It's just been... middle. And good for them. I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I pray no one ever has to go through what I did.

But me and my friends (my Real friends), we've been through night. We've gone through the darkest night. A night without even a moon. A night of utter, total darkness. Where you couldn't see a thing. Where all you had to keep you company were those bitter, twisted, horrid thoughts.

But because of that, even the slightest light is met with open arms. When we enter the dawn, the light is almost blinding. We love just being where some people spend their whole lives. And because we love the dawn, we chase it. Chase it until it becomes glorious, beautiful day. A perfect blue sky. A pefect yellow sun, illuminating perfect fields and perfect trees.

For all the pain we've endured, for all those nights you thought it was time to sleep forever, our reward for seeing it all through is that glorious Day. Some of us will only find our dawn, the first rays of light, and that will be enough to blind us with joy.

I love feeling good. I love feeling happy. I'd die to feel loved. For those moments, all of the last 2 years have been worth it. For those emotions most of you just feel, I embrace and rejoice and cherish and love. And it's because of that that I stay here. Waiting in this night for my next ray of light. A flicker of illumination, showing me briefly where I am and what I'm doing.

Wow I went off on a tangent there. Whoops. Where was I? Ah nevermind. I'm sure the people it involved know and those who aren't don't need to.

Good night, dear Blog.

New Found Friendship

2005-04-10T00:19:00.000Z

I've started to realise something. Something I missed for so long and finally have again.

A girl friend. Massive emphasis on the space. A friend of the female persuasion. I know it might sound odd, but it's true. One thing I've missed for a long time was a female friend. Someone who I can confide in much more than I could any male I care to think of.

I dunno, maybe it's not so odd. I mean, I've spent the best part of 5 years around girls. It's only since 6th Form my friendship has become more male than female and quite frankly in 2 years I don't rank most of them as high as I do the girls (who I've only known 5 months or so). I once again find myself getting on a lot better with girls than I do guys.

Why? Because the girls give a shit. They actually listen to me when I want to talk. They never demand anything of me, no forced smile, no repressed sorrow. I can be *me* around them. I can never be me around the guys. When I try talking to them I just get shrugged off, or simply cut off. I guess it's fair enough. The guys really don't know shit about me. We're (drinking) buddies more than friends I guess.

Lucas is alright, he knows some of the crap of it all, but still not a shade on how well I connect with the girls. I guess, it helps infinitely that me and the girls have shared experiences. I look up to them for their strength and courage. When you get to know them you realise they're stronger, braver and more admirable than *anyone* in the whole 6th Form. Myself included.

Where was I? Ah yes, girl *space* friend. Me and Sophie have connected really well as of late. She's something of a female equivalent to me. Never really found love, but who has an awful lot to give to whichever lucky sap finds her. There's no bragging or boasting here (the clever ones will have seen how I could have done that). There's no trying to make her think I'm just sucking up. I'm not. It's just the person she is. It's the unloved ones who've got the most to give.

Anyways, as I was saying, me and her have been getting on like a house on fire. We've got so much to talk about; life, loves, hates, the usual. It's just so nice to find someone I can actually hold a personal conversation with. Someone who genuinely listens and who makes me smile. I guess where this post is headed is simple. Thankies Miss Sophie, for being a friend =)

Nottingham went ok. Finally got my pen and notepad to scribble poems, thoughts and other such nonsense on. And I have an awesome poster. ^_^ Political statement and retro humor all in one. And we found 2 *awesome* places in Nottingham. The Armoury. Now renamed to Heaven by JP. I will say 2 words and leave it at that. Real Weapons.

The other cool place we found was this little block of shops all dedicated to alternative stuff. There were a few heavy metal shops, a few indy shops and even a retro gamers shop. I finally found somewhere else I can get Dreamcast games from. And, OMG, they had a Real Life Mega-CD. I thought they all got destroyed or something. It's too awesome for a nerd like me.

So that was muchly fun. Shame more people didn't show. The River Gardens was fun too. Another prolonged game of tick late at night, but mostly just talking and chilling.

And tomorrow, Oh God. I've done Zip coursework. I'm so fucked it's unbelievable. And I have work tomorrow. But on a lighter note, work finally pay me a reasonable amount. £5.05 per hour to push trolleys and change bins. It's not bad. Given I was on £3.80 for the last God knows how long.

So there we are. I die on Monday. One of my teachers is gonna kill me. =/

weurgh

2005-04-08T02:40:00.000Z

oh my dear blog. i've had an awful amount to drink. i'm not as bad as i've been before but please excuse grammar and spelling.

where to begin? i'll say one thing. Thank *deity* for my pre-18th. Don't get me wrong, tonight was fun enough, but it wasn't a Shade on the week before. The best club (Zanzibar) was shut. =(

i found i'm a Shots person. I like shots. Shots are fun. I had lots of AfterShocks. They're fun. ^_^
Tonight was fun, but I am muchly saddened by the turnout. I gave the girls 2 days and had about 9 out of 9 of them turn up. i gave the guys a good 2 weeks at least and only got about 6 out of what must've been at least 12. But that's the way it goes i guess. I can now elaborate on my previous comment on how it's interesting things pan out. *shrugs* Fuck it. if you've not worked it out by now you don't deserve to know.

I'm not feeling positive, blog. I'm not feeling happy. I'm not feeling good. I'm not feeling responsible. I feel sad, blog. I feel mopey. I feel down right miserable. I wanna curl up with someone special and just have a cry. She's been showing up too much. Twice in 2 days. Each time while I was on my own waiting for friends. Why's she happy again? Why's she got someone? I am... Yeah... I am jealous. Can you blame me? If you do fuck you.

i'm longing. longing for someone to cry with. longing for someone who'll lie to me. convince me i've been sick forever. and all of this will make sense when i get better. and i'll know the difference between myself and my shattered reflection.

bonus prize if you know what's playing.

All I want, is to know 18 won't be as bad as 17 was. If you can give me that, I'll love you forever.

=(

18

2005-04-07T00:02:00.000Z

YAY!!! I'm 18. Some people think I'm now a responsible adult. People will sell me swords, alcohol, all kindsa crazy crap!

If it's legal, it's legal now =)

And what have I rejoiced this great moment with?

Holly will be muchly proud: Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime

I'm gonna stay 18 forever
And we can stay like this forever
And we'll never miss a party
Because we keep them going constantly

And Scooby was the other person who saw this in with me *cuddles to Scooby* =D

Last blog of a 17 year old

2005-04-06T22:57:00.000Z

Here we go... 5 mins left ^_^

I spent tonight watching The Ring 2 with friends, editing my MySpace profile and I've wound the night up by playing Minesweeper flags with wonderful Scooby =)

yayz =D

And tomorrow - heavy drinking =)

Something I've not done in a long time

2005-04-06T16:51:00.000Z

Heylo Blog

Yus yus - i am feeling good today ^_^

I had a bad evening last night. muchly bad =( but now i feel all =)

Want to know why? Went to Belper and I got my dragon mirror! Yus! It's too awesome! =D

But I'm not that shallow. No I'm not. I also spent something daft like... 3 hours or so talking with Miss Sophie whilst relaxing on her uber-comfy bed. Yus. It's been too long (Far too long) since I last talked with someone. Sure, I have conversations and all, but to actually talk to someone for anything longer than an hour... me feel muchly good ^_^

And now I'm gonna go eat. And miss Holly's gonna come and hurt me for sounding like she does. But she has so many good words for when she's in a good mood. Yus =D

I like it. Bottle Rocket.

2005-04-05T00:56:00.000Z

been an... interesting night tonight

something of a smaller sub gang has developed from my current friendship group. sophie, emma, Lou, bob, JP, Jack and myself are gathering with something of a high frequency this last week.

tonight though, was muchly fun. even without alcohol. yes.

had something happen i've wanted for a while - my friends came to bother me whilst at work. it sounds really stupid, but I've always wanted that. someone to give me a link back to the real world from work.

so that left me on a buzz for the rest of my shift. After which, i headed off to meet up with them all. Stuff happens (Lou and Emz are adement that Tiny's a whore - I only agree cos it winds bobster up =) ) and we go down to the river gardens.

I'm putting it down to me becoming 18 and wanting to broaden my horizons and prospects... but something very... unexpected happened. A few of them were smoking, and then things went the way things go and it was just me and lou on the bench. She said, jokingly I assume, "Fancy a drag?" and offered the cigarrette. To this moment, *slight laugh*, I have No idea why I said "Go on then."

Omg - what the hell do people smoke for? it tastes horrid. I mean... the only word I can even think of using is acrid. Still, I was muchly pleased at not coughing and spluttering like you always seem to think people would when they first smoked. Neither did Lou, apparently. So now when I have a go at you for smoking you can't say I've never tried it =P

Lads - I'm happy to keep dumping crap into my lungs for my 18th. I feel this will suffice. Especially to a man like Levente. =)

So that was odd. But the strangeness does not stop there. After Miss Lou had gotten on her bus and left us all, we headed the really long way round to Sophies. Me and Sophie are talking about the things only we talk about when we realise Bob and Emz are missing.

Emma has seen an old friend of hers, Brendan, in the chippie. Brendan is gay, and proud of it. Whilst this has nothing to do with me, it explains Sophies reaction as me and her went out.

Her and Brendan have something of history between them, which finished with Brendan saying he'll never be friends with her. She was getting all worked up over this and a mention that it was Gina who turned him gay. I felt highly inclined to agree. I *know* how she can put a guy off girls for life.

The strange bit happens when Sophie turns to me, simply says "She didn't make you though." and gave me quite the hug. I asked "What?" and she told me simply "Make you gay." I realised she was right. After all the crap she'd put me through I could very well be excused for never wanting to see another girl again, but I guess my Maleness is stronger than that.

Yay for being me!

And yes, I expect plenty of anonymous comments on this. Fuck you. As if you think I give a shit.

So... what else? Walked home with just Bob as Emma was sleeping at Sophies tonight (kinky lesbian action with girly talk in-between =P - it's a me-and-lou joke =) ) and I was just in a ranting mood. I think I ranted quite happily all the way home. Hammer. Didn't get a pizza from FreshBite. It was missed but, also, unaffordable.

So that's me. For tonight at least. And James messaged back. Whose James? He's a guy a little older than me who also cares a little too much for those who don't care back. See? I'm not the only one. Now if I can just get in a crowd and try to bleat loudest.....

Hurtings, Regrets and a shoulder to lean on

2005-04-03T17:33:00.000Z

Oh dear, dear blog. Things are all going downhill again...

The best place to begin would be yesterday. Went to nottingham, which as always was fun, but ol' Bobster fucked off leaving us for some utter whore and her friend. We were all muchly upset. This was...

oh shit it... i can't write this stuff. i can't put it here because i.....

*sigh*

It doesn't matter blog. All that counts is that I saw some flashbacks to a few years past and that's been getting me down all day. *shakes head* *sigh*

One thing I will mention is Ezzo seems better. She's smiling a lot more than she used to and... although her new crush is gonna be a tricky one, i can pretty safely he won't hurt her as much (and Certainly not in the same way) as the last guy she loved.

And why am I leaning on everyone recently? I'm tired... emotionally, physically and mentally. I just want to find someone who I can lean on who at least makes me feel like it'll all be alright in the end. My friends (my Real friends) make me feel like that.

Speaking of which, it's funny how some things pan out and others don't. But more on that later when I can make a fairer judgement.

So there it is, Blog. For all that's happened I have so little to say. It's a nice day... wish I could meet up with a few friends. Hmmm....

Notes

2005-04-01T13:56:00.000Z

When she leaves a note on my pillow... telling me I'm "georgously tall"... it all makes it all worth it.

musings on an early 18th

2005-04-01T01:02:00.000Z

It went well. It went as well as I could have hoped for.

I am confused. Pleased. But mostly confused.

and i've just eaten my mini-eggs. Thankies Luce.

To those who got upset - i hope you're ok
To those who got happy - I hope you had fun

To all of you - thanks for coming. You've left me with a lot of memories.

The pizza, the "jiving", "Move right!", May, What was wrong with your leg? Or do I just put 2 and 2 together... cos if it's what i think it was I still love you, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, getting ID'd. Of All the fucking times in my life to be ID'd. Useless Tesco. Yay for geoffs!

And the sing-along. Lucy is a more awesome singer/songwriter than you'll ever believe. And I wanted to hear box of contradictions. Save it for next time =)

Goodbyes are so hard to say... when you don't want anyone to leave.

And the idea afterwards.

"Life is a huge card game. Some people have all the aces. Some people have all the 2's. You just need to work with what you've got and play the cards at the right time.

"Sadly, I'm still learning the rules."

explanation

2005-03-31T02:19:00.000Z

ok... i can't leave that post on it's own... not without explaining something.

I'm not sorry.

That's a glance into how i feel A *lot* of the time. If you see me... staring at someone... that's probably how I'm feeling...

when i sit in my corner and keep to myself... that's probably close to what i'm thinking

I am an angry person. I know that. You should know that now. But I can control my anger... release it into things which no one notices. Poems, games, anything I can.

But I mean all I said. When I'm in love... all that side of my vanishes. I know it vanishes. Because I never felt like that when I was holding someone... when I cared for someone.

And in case you're reading this and think the "you" in the previous post is aimed at you... it's not. It's aimed at the world. It's aimed at everyone who ever gave me false hopes... another wasted dream... and the reason for making me this way.

It's not who I am. I ain't gonna bullshit and say I AM that deep down. It's a part of me. It's a part of me I want you too see. Because I tell you here and now... I will not accept "You're too good for me" again. I heard it from Gina, Abi and now Laura. I'm sick of being too good for you all. I want you to see I'm not. Those three are not the "you" either.

And I can't help but smile.

Because now you know there's No Way I'm good enough now. Not now you've read that... not now you know how at least one bit of my mind works.

But for the record... it was nice to get those feelings into the open. It helps me put them into perspective. Compare it to some of the entries I made when things were going well...

For every high
There is a low
For every to
There is a fro

To and fro
Stop and go
That's what makes
The world go round.

why?

2005-03-31T01:55:00.000Z

for the love of it all... why the fuck does this keep happening to me? was it something i did? is it penance for something i'm gonna do? It feels like it... but it's the paying that's gonna push me to the crime...

i don't get it. i just don't Fucking get it. i try... i try so much... i try too fucking hard. All I ever wanted... all I'll ever want... all that'll ever give me a purpose in this shit factory i call life is someone. someone i can love. someone i can give a damn about..

but that's a lie. isn't it? it's a flat out lie.

i don't want someone to love.

I want someone to love me. i realise that. is it really so much too ask? the last 2 people pushed me away and said i was "too good" for them. too good? too fucking good? fuck that. fuck it all.

if i'm so fucking good then why don't i just make myself worse? show you all these problems? show you all this anger... hate... revulsion...

show you my dreams... where i'm holding an automatic... and i don't care who they are. they broke me. now i break them. all of them...

I'm soo Fucking good? Fuck this shit in the face. you can be honest with me. i respect honesty. you don't want me just say so. don't go pussy footing around the issue. i ask if you want to meet... you flat out ignore me. a simple no would have been enough and i'd have maybe asked "some other time" and then i'd have walked away.

Cos it's better just to walk away

so this is someone that's too good? too good for you? do you have that little self respect? do you really rank yourself so low?

HAH!

Bullshit.

My Mask is too good for you, perhaps? My lies are too good for you, perhaps?

The things you Do know about me are too good for you. Is that it?

Well this is me. This is what's never good enough. This is that side that only comes out when i feel like this. I'd never hurt another soul... but it doesn't stop my mind.

Concocting... devising... scheming...

You think terrorists want you dead? I want you to BEG for death...

I AM NOT TOO GOOD FOR ANYONE

I AM BROKEN\/\/\/\RUINOUS\/\/\/Damaged...

damaged...

always damaged...

Welcome to my world...

Welcome to my mind....

GET THE FUCK OUT

Your on my world here...

and i'd rip you apart... limb from limb... if only i had it in me...

And where do your loyalties lie now? Now you know me for who I am? Aren't you glad you turned me away? I'm glad you did... love covers this bit of me... it makes me realise Life is for love and Love is for life... it makes me realise that for all the horrors... all the times They broke me and left me a silent mess in the corner..... it's worth it for that feeling... to feel in love....

BUT LOVES A FUCKING LIE
I JUST WANT IT TO DIE
STOP KIDDING ME AROUND
I'LL HIDE YOU 6 FEET UNDERGROUND

I'm SICK of hurting myself... SICK OF HURTING MYSELF OVER THEM

FUCK YOU ALL

FUCK YOUR LIE
FUCK YOUR LOVE

Fuck bohemia. Fuck love and life. Fuck happiness and joy. Fuck it all. It's all a lie. All I'm EVER LEFT with is the wanting to destroy. Wanting to get back at life... society... for picking me up... Fooling me again and again and again and AGAIN that life is worth it. That some people are worth loving.............

This is my other side.... for every value there is an equal, negative value.

If you don't hurt me I'll love you to my dying breath.
You leave ONE line... TAKE ONE STEP AGAINST ME And I'll hate you until the day I die.

ThIS is what happens when goth and greb get together....

I hate you.
I hate you for making me hate myself.
I hate you for fooling me.
I hate you for making me like this.
I want you to die.

I WANT YOU TO FUCK OFF AND DIE

Not for your eyes

2005-03-30T14:37:00.000Z

this post is very intimate, personal and will probably not be suitable for most readers.

if you are bothered in any way by the fact that i've had sex, don't read this post.

*sigh*

here we go.

when me and gina made love (i made love to her, in hindsight, fuck knows what she felt like) we'd normally put on some music. our song. =(

when it was all over, we'd lie there in each others arms. and a song would come on. Brand New - Me Vs. Maradona Vs. Elvis. it's a quiet, melodic song. the singer practically whispers the words. i never actually listened to the lyrics until a few days ago.

i almost cried at the bitter irony of it all.

It's a song I've always associated to me and gina. Because it's a song I always remember being on when I held her in my arms... my head filled with my love for her. And not in a sick way. I mean Love. Care, adoration, the simple truth that I'd have done anything for her. I'd have thrown my life away and given it all to her, all she'd have to do was ask. That kind of love. And that contendedness... when you could just stay in that moment for all eternity.

And now i've heard the lyrics.

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way/I hold you
And you'll fall for every empty word I say

It was her song to me. She must have been dying of laughter when it came on. Every time she held me... and this was playing... She knew the lyrics... I know she did. And I know I'm such a fool. Isn't life wonderful when she taps you on the shoulder and says "I tried to tell you."

Ezzo once said "Love blinds us as far as the eye can see." It deafens us too.

I don't know why this has all come up. I don't know why I've been all depressed again. I guess it's just me being stupid, foolish... all over again.

And you lay awake
Lied for fun and faked the way/You held me
And I fell for every empty word you said.

downs and ups

2005-03-29T00:24:00.000Z

oh wtf

look. for the whole world. i'm sorry. i'm sorry blog. i'm sorry i'm messed up. i'm sorry i can't control these emotions. i'm sorry i keep feeling shitty and i just end up doing stupid things.

i'm sorry laura. i'm sorry i hold on too tight. i'm sorry i can't seem to give you the time you need. i'm trying to. i really am. but i don't want to lose you. and that's making me do just that.

i just want to make someone happy. someone who deserves to be happy.

you've no idea how much strength it takes to stop saying those words. those words i know will push you away from me forever.

so here we go. from now til you contact me i won't call you or anything. u need space and time. i'll delete ur number to ensure you get what u deserve.

i fall in love too easily

fragmentation

2005-03-28T22:47:00.000Z

so here we are again, dear blog. i'm telling you how much i fucked up and your listening. no one listens as good as you.

i wish i could just stop fucking it all up. the one thing I didn't break was broken from the start. i just hope people blame me and not themselves. i know it's my fault. it's gotta be my fault. it can't be their fault because it's always me that fucks up.

i hold on too tight. i don't hold on to the right people. love doesn't happen to me. when i delude myself that it does i don't want to lose it. and i hold on too tight. and they can't take it. and they leave.

i know how you feel, James. I fall in love too easily too. I just wish my stupid head would learn that i fuck it all up too easily. I want too much. I want something to work. For more than a minute. STOP TEASING ME YOU FUCKING USELESS LIFE.

I just want to crumble. stop having my mind fragment. i can't cope. it's all falling apart. again. i smashed my own mirror. again. shatterproof I am not. again.

*shrugs*

I told Laura she couldn't hurt me. Only I can hurt me. Because I'm the only one i let in these days. I'm the only one i can blame these days. I'm the only one i fucking HATE these days.

Fuck off and die.

fuck off and die.

this is why i like you, blog. you won't get all offended and you won't go off in a huff. you know who i'm writing to. i'm writing to you. and you're reading it all back to me.

i want to shred some paper again.

What's wrong with this country?

2005-03-28T11:33:00.000Z

Wow I feel old now.

I woke up today and threw on my favorite album at the moment. Emotion. A ton of songs from the 80's including stuff like "Waiting for a girl like you" and "Broken Wings"

As if it isn't enough that I like 80's music I come downstairs to find a pink slip on the side with my address on. I can vote in the next election. It's only a local one but I can vote.

That bothers me. I can see why it bothered Levente. In a matter of weeks (just over 2) I'm going to be 18. Eighteen. I think of all the stuff I've done in these last 18 years. All the stuff I haven't done. 18 years is a long time. 936 weeks. 6552 days. 157248 hours. That's insane. All that time and I've done so little and yet so much.

*sighs*

Ah well. Guess that's what time does. It keeps on moving. Here's to the next 18 years.

Speed living

2005-03-27T00:02:00.000Z

Goddamn, where the hell to start?

Thursday evening. that sounds good.

Last day of school for a little over 2 weeks and there was a free gig on at a local bar (Harveys). Normally I don't give a monkeys about gigs, but the girls wanted to go see it and any chance to get out these days (not to mention get some drinking done) is a chance I don't let slip by me.

Long story short the girls didn't get into Harveys and when I met them it was on my way to Morrisons to get £10 credit so I could phone them.

We all decided to head down to the River Gardens as no one was expecting to be picked up/needed to be home until about 11pm. But me being me, I Had come out with the intention of drinking so up to Victoria Wine where 4 large bottles of the old classic (WKD) were purchased. To be shared, of course.

Down to the RG and much drinking ensues. The good thing about lightweights is that they get drunk stupidly easily. And now... to explain something which panned out in the most unexpected way.

There was a girl there, Laura, who I don't speak to much. If at all. She sticks her head into the tutor base at lunch (which is where me and the girls chill during lunchtimes) but I've never held a conversation with her. Knew her brother, that's about as far as it goes.

Anyway, Laura's had a little and it turns out it was her first time drinking. I felt muchly ashamed, her first time with alcohol and nothing fun was planned. First time should be memorable at least. Well.... *cracks a small smile*

She notices my height, "You're so tall". Yes, yes I am. Being 6"4'-ish makes me stand out in a crowd. I hate puns. But the alcohol sort of made her keep repeating these things. I believe I heard that sentence about 10 times that evening.

Laura started the evening just relaxed on someones lap. Ezzo or Lucy's, I don't remember. Laura is the same as me when it comes to getting drunk. She chills out to an extreme level and just wants to relax. Ezzo... hehehe - those that were there will enjoy the memories of a hyperactive *UTTER* lightweight Ezzo walking round a building calling it her only friend.

Anyway, Laura is relaxing on Lucys lap (it was lucy at this point because I remember Ezzo wandering off somewhere) when I decided to stand up because sitting how I was was hurting my legs too much. Laura just gets up, throws her arms around me, looks up, comments on my height, and stays there. I thought she just wanted a hug, so I hugged back. Then she stayed there.

**My memory is poor, some of the minor details may be missed or remembered wrong**

I asked her why she was still holding on. Not out of her wanting to let go or anything, it's just I'm not used at all to people hugging me, nevermind staying there. She just smiled and hugged more. Then that feeling happened. That one in your mind. When you realise that out of nowhere you just found a perfect diamond. That connection. You feel your whole world slowly fall away, leaving only you and her.

I took a long look at her. She held me tighter. We didn't let go at all that night. Well, we did so she could hug Lou goodbye and when we each needed to use the bathroom, but that was it. Laura has something incredible about her. She's pretty. Beyond pretty. She's beautiful. It took a whole lot of willpower to not kiss her that night.

Yeah. For some odd reason, unlike most males, I respect girls and I Laura was a little more intoxicated than I'd like when it comes to going anywhere with her. I like my girl sober so I can make sure she's thinking straight. For that night I just called us Hug-Buddies, because we were. Laura, again like myself, loves close contact and drinking Really emphasises this desire. Nothing intimate, just lots of hugs and affection. So we both found someone who wanted hugs and we could give hugs to. Much goodness all round, yus yus ^_^

I refused to get my hopes up though. It felt incredible, to be holding someone and knowing that at least someone out there gave a damn about me. And it was even better to have someone to hold who I could care for. I'm a giver. I prefer to be loving than being loved.

That evening though... wow. Apparently we both look really cute together and the lads (my 6th Form drinking buddies who I encountered on the way to the bus stop) seemed... laddishly proud of me =)

And so the night came to a conclusion and I began to dread the next morning when Laura would return to her normal mental state and realise just what she'd been hugging and then become very peeved. I'm a negative person. "Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."

Walked home with Bobster, who stupidly asked me to give him the full story on what happened with me and Gina. 40 minutes later the guy said he'd never complain again because it all paled in comparison and gave me a guy hug. I guess I can cope well if something is bad enough to make Bobster do that and yet I just shrug it off as "the way life goes.

Friday morning. Laura isn't angry with me =) Bob is planning another meet up down at the RG for tonight and Laura is looking forward to seeing me. Spent friday just chiling, met up with emma and bobster and spent most of the afternoon together just chilling and talking shit =)

The night came round and we all met up. Smaller group than the night before, but me and laura were still close. She said she really liked me but just wanted to get to know me a little better before going any further. Which I feel is fair enough, I spent 11 months in an utter state because I didn't think things through before jumping in. I call it a light gray answer. Maybe with a leaning towards yes. But that's as much as I'm allowed to get my hopes up. Any higher and I don't know if I'll be able to keep control of them.

So that went good. We talked most of the night, getting to know each others likes and dislike, a bit of each others past, and just generally talking. One thing that comes to mind was when I held her in my arms, and I in hers, and I said to her that if she wanted to go any further, I promised I'd be the best boyfriend I could be, and she held me so tight, and I thought I heard a sniffle. But I don't know for certain. She might have just had a runny nose.

We both agreed on a lot of important things, like relationships, friends, life and the important things in it. And she has my sense of humor for just far-fetched (not random) things (Bill Bailey style of humor) which is always fun. She gave me her favorite movie to borrow. She wanted me to watch it. It was called May "If you can't find a best friend, make one."

I watched it on Saturday night. But lets bore you with Saturday first. Nottingham, baby! I don't know what was up with me and JP but the homoerotic sexual innuendos were a constant running joke all day. I had gone to Notts with the plans of getting a T-Shirt. I missed and got a Hoodie and a pendant instead. The pendant I got from Derby. I'd taken Ezzo to the Dragons Lair (shop in the Guild Hall) because she was looking for a diary thingy, when I saw this Incredible pendant.

http://www.egyptiandreams.co.uk/product_info.php?name=Earth%20Dragon&products_id=374

There you go. Earth Dragon for protection from betrayal. What can I say? I'm still very anxious about that kind of thing. Betrayal that is. Being burned as bad as I was any form of protection is never looked down on.

In Notts I was looking for a T-Shirt but nothing got my attention. So I got me a Linkin Park - Meteora hoodie. I still think Linkin Park are awesome and it was their Hybrid Theory hoodie which was my first hoodie ever. But I outgrew that one years ago (I had it in Y9 or 10 when LP first launched themselves).

That night I watched May. That is one utterly fucked up movie. I recommend it to anyone who likes that kind of thing. I'm trying to work out if it was Lauras way of saying something, but fuggit it. It didn't stop me liking her as much as I already did and it's a movie I want us to watch together (granted, with the lights on and no sharp objects nearby but together all the same).

So I'm muchly happy. The hoodie and pendant look great (if I don't say so myself), things are going as well as I dare hope for with Laura, my 18th is coming up in just over a week, and I've found something I can do to celebrate with the gang =)

AND - In the best news ever, this saturday is the last Saturday I'll ever work at Morrisons =D

Happy easter all. I'm off to eat my chocolate egg =)

Routines And Breaking Them

2005-03-23T21:53:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of blogging and suchness - have been very busy these last few days.

Worked every day from Saturday to today and so haven't had time. That and I’ve not really felt like it.

But was on the bus today, coming home, when it took a wrong turning. Was only off its standard route for about 30 seconds, but it was worrying how it made me feel. I panicked. I actually panicked. I’ve become so locked in that routine that the slightest change had me all thrown.

I guess it’s odd. How accustomed you get to routines. How you come to expect certain things to happen without fail. And then when they change, sometimes it’s good, sometimes bad. I always expect the bus to go the same way home. I always expect Julie to say no to me changing hours. That Was a pleasant surprise when she said I could drop Saturday =)

Routines are funny things.

In other news – I’m still trying to work out these useless emotions. Mostly it’s more deciphering than developing them right now which is becoming the problem. The actual Feelings have settled down and become fixed, right now my problem is just working them all out. Ah well, always liked puzzles.

Also, the invites for my 18th are going/have gone out. Looks like it could go down pretty well, and they’ve promised me I’ll wake up on a train. Whether it’s headed to Edinburgh or London will depend entirely on timing. At least they said they’ll stuff a £20 in my pocket =)

Sound’s like much fun =)

And I’m off to Notts on Saturday. Gonna get me another hoodie. This ones a little more nerdy. Pacman and other such Retro funkyness =) But the real reason comes in the form of the people who will be joining me. One person in particular who I hope to be able spend an extra amount of time with. Here’s hoping *crosses fingers*

Stay safe all, especially if you’re someone I care about.

Illness, System, work

2005-03-20T18:37:00.000Z

Apologies for the ultra quietness over the last week or so. I've been pretty badly ill. Tuesday night, wake up like a switch had been thrown. My whole bodies frozen and it feels like every muscle is contracting. I tried to stretch and it felt like I was ripping my leg muscles.

Wednesday I was muchly ill. Had the day off trying desperately to keep myself warm, but my nerves were on edge so I felt like I was either frozen or on fire. Either way my skin was cold to the touch of others. Much suckness.

Thursday was better, but the morning was something I'd rather forget. My dad said I'd "sweat the illness out". Let's leave it at that. So Thursday was another day at home. Not so much bedridden but moving around to any major degree wasn't a good thing. And I had to miss out going drinking for St. Patricks day. I was muchly upset.

Friday I felt on the mend. I remember my mum saying something like "He's not waking up anytime soon" quite early in the morning and when I woke up properly it was around 10-11ish and I was feeling a fair bit better. So I went to school at lunch. I had planned to only come in for lunch and then go home again but my business teacher, the only lesson I had after lunch, saw me so I stayed in. I also hoped the activity would kick my appetite into gear. I hadn't eaten anything even remotely substantial since Tuesday night, nor was I hungry.

Those who know me know that That is Very unusual.

Must admit, it was a relief to get out of the house and around people. Hehe. Look at me. A few months ago I'd have tried my best just to stay in. Now I'm doing anything to get out. I'm being turned into a right little socialite =)

In a wonderful coincidence, like the kind of art you get when you drop some pudding on the floor and notice a picture in all the mess, my crush had been off the same 2 days. Not for a good reason but it put me at ease. I was getting all frustrated on Wednesday and Thursday because I had planned to spend a lot of time with her those two days. But all it meant was a small delay. She's more than worth it though.

Saturday ticked over and sometime early that morning, around 5am I think, I was struck by an inspiration. A fairly large group of us were heading into Nottingham and I had been forced to bail because I couldn't find any cover for my Saturday hours. But I worked a few things out and I realised I'd still have a few hours in Nottingham at least so I thought why not.

Muchly a good idea.

Had a fair bit of fun in Notts. A few things didn't go well. A new person has started joining us, Joe, but he has a history with a few people. Not a positive one. He is, or at the very least was, something of an utter dick to quite a few of the girls. Suffice to say, I wouldn't be understating if I said I knew at least 3 people who hate him. And I mean hate. Not casual dislike. Really hate. I find him a nuisance more than anything else.

Problem is, Joe is also going out with Lou. Lou, as I'm sure you've gathered, is part of the fundamental core of the group. Lou and Hols are very much the two most central people. This means being an abject bastard to Joe is made tricky, for fear of hurting Lou.

Suffice to say that whole problem caused a fair few of its own whilst we were in Notts. But by the time I had to leave, after sitting and listening to something like a 20 minute debate on where people were going to eat, it all seemed to have blown over, Joe had gone, and much happiness was being had by all.

So that was nice. Void said I should check back in a month to see if they've got the AHC Hoodie I so want. Did see an awesome Geek hoodie whilst in there though... may buy if I have £45 burining a hole in my wallet (which isn't very likely).

Sadly, during this whole thing I still had no appetite and a new problem had developed. Whilst ill, I cut my lip and it has become Incredibly sensitive and painful. Certain words, sounds, and Any kind of contact put me in blinding agony for a few seconds. Imagine driving a nail through your bottom lip, and then rub nettles into the wound. It took a fair bit of willpower to stop me screaming a profanity at the top of my voice in the middle of the Victoria Centre. Wish I had done something though. Would've been fun to see the reaction. Maybe next time =)

In good news though, when I did get home and then to work I talked with my Supervisor and she's looking into cutting my Saturday hours out on a permanent basis. Much ^_^

Sadly though, during saturday night/sunday morning I fell ill again. Something different this time. Let's just say it's bad enough that I didn't go in to work today.

So that's what I've been up to. Hope it explains the silence.

And as for the System part? I got Mesmerize and well, imagine System of a Down, now imagine Old Skool Gangsta Rap. I quote:

"Yeah, It's going down like that.
Yeah, you know I break it down like that.
Baby, don't even try to fuck like that.
I'm on fire dog and I'll hold like that

The sky is falling and I don't care
I just want to feel good
The train is leaving and she don't care
She just want to feel good
The world is dying and we don't care
We just want to feel good"

Fly muthafucka.

Muchly. It really doesn't sound like it should work, but you hear it, and Fuck Me it is Awesomeness!!! X-D

By the way, the song quoted is "System Of A Down - (hed)" There's only 2 tracks like on the album but it's such a change for System I felt it needed mentioning =)

In more news, I have my webserver. The address is http://xmakina.homeip.net.

It's not good right now, mainly because it's still running on this PC. But once all the box has been ordered in and arrived, it'll be able to be muchly improved =)

The Unforgettable Sound

2005-03-13T21:22:00.000Z

Cheers Anonymous. Almost forgot to post tonight =/

Anyway. Much has happened since friday. Mostly, my visit to Stafford Uni. Had to go there for an interview thing to make sure I was right for the course (Software Engineering for anyone whose bothered) and also have a look around Stafford itself.

Got there pretty early so it was a wander round Stafford first. Looks alright. Not as big as say Derby, but bigger than Belper. I can see why a lot of people might call it quiet, but I'm from a small town already so Stafford looks great to me. That and 3 Real important things to me:
At least a few active groups of goth/greb types
Minimal count on Chavs/Rudies/Townies
Cheap, interesting shops (Magik/Goth market stall had some absolute bargains - I'm kicking myself for not getting something)

So Stafford as a place to live is certainly an appealing thing.

But the University... well... at the time it just confirmed that it's where I want to go. It's all modern, clean, good confusing layouts and the Octagon still left me breathless. But I am starting to get mixed feelings... Well... not really that mixed, still Highly positive but there is a little niggle.

At Stafford there is something of a significant gender bias. Something stupid like 80% male at the Stafford Campus and 80% female at the Stoke campus. I'm going to be on Stafford campus.

Before you jump to the conclusion that I'm bitching about the lack of a sex life or whatever, i'm not. I have Always gotten on better with girls than guys and quite frankly, my concern isn't my dick it's my social life. But - to counter this - because of the heavy bias of courses towards Technology, business and engineering... the male population is mostly the kind that you rarely meet. Geeks & Nerds. The real ones. The ones who know the difference between DIMM RAM and RAID HDD. So I'll be in something of a nerdy social paradise =D

As for the interview, I got lucky. The guy interviewing me was the same one I'd met during my open day and he said I had seemed familiar but he couldn't remember from where. I'm memorable =)

That and he was impressed by my Rolls-Royce placement so even more joy =)

So that went very well. I'm confident I'll get an offer and hopefully Stafford is where I'm going for Uni. Happy days =)

A few other things have happened since then... but it's to do with friends so I'll just keep it to myself (mainly because I swore secrecy) so there you go. What I will say was that it went far better than expected.

I also still haven't shifted these feelings for someone... if anything they've gotten stronger. This is something of a change of pattern for my currently very... mobile emotions, so who knows?

And here's to the Box. Soon to be home of SRFS (it's a thing I'm working on) =)

moo

2005-03-11T16:41:00.000Z

i'm feeling all shitty and mopey again

i really wanted to walk someone home today... but hey, she ain't interested so back to square 1 once again

but i don't think that's why i'm feeling down. felt low all day... well since morning break anyway. Useless diet pepsi. Don't drink it. It causes depression.

And now I've got work when I shouldn't have work but "it's the first week and I had expected everyone to pull together". Got news for you. I'm not a team player.

*much sigh*

almost

2005-03-09T18:40:00.000Z

and here i was... hoping to have nothing bad to say

but no... oh no... be damned if that was gonna happen weren't you... stupid life

so my mum invites me join her and dad for dinner. was nice enough. then - i say thankyou, and she just comes out with "you could've made me a card on your computer."

I didn't forget mothers day... i just think it's a shitty Hallmark holiday and one thing everyone should know is not to sell me something. Fucking Morrisons.

So thanks mum. Now I feel like I'm a fucking useless son and all. Nevermind my awful reports... my failing ICT coursework, the simple fact that i don't think i'm gonna make D's in any of my exams and the unshakable feelings that i am exactly what i know i am.

a failiure.

thanks life. don't let me forget that.

When people who know nothing try something

2005-03-06T22:56:00.000Z

Is depression a defence mechanism?

I was just thinking today whilst pushing trolleys... is depression (or at least the mild forms, like seasonal depression) an old form of defence... bit like sleeping?

Let me explain:

We don't Need to sleep. We just do. Why? Because in the past, being up late at night was Very dangerous. By past I'm talking many thousands of years BC. When humans were still learning that banging to rocks together made them sharper.

Sleep became something we did as it meant we weren't wandering around in a dark forest where any wild boar could catch us unawares and maul us to death. At the time, it was something of a desirable charachtersitic to have something to do at night when exploring was something of a bad idea.

So, just maybe, bearing in mind I know Very little (nothing) about the human psyquie (sp), depression is there for that reason to. Now, I'm not saying all depression exists for this reason. I guess the better word would be introversion. When you're feeling a little introverted... have you noticed how it's normally when the weather is horrible or the suns been gone for a while?

I was outside pushing trolleys, the sun was full in the clear blue skys. My coat was keeping me warmer than the air, but it was a nice day. It seems like it's been a while since we've had a nice day all day. And I realised, the sun being out, the warmth, the lack of snow/rain/sleet, I was feeling better. So I got to thinking...

Maybe introversion is there to look after us. Make us want to be inside when the weather is bad or we feel going outside might threaten us. If you think about it a little bit... it does make some sense. Well... does to me anyway. But I guess I'm just a little broken and I'm looking for something to explain it all...

Well... just another stupid idea I wanted to note down here for future reference.

Whirlwind inside of my head

2005-03-06T17:56:00.000Z

Oh fuck this. I utterly Hate my job these days. Do this, do that, no, not that way, the other way, get them to do this, get him to do this and that, i'm still only paying you 3.80, you don't have supervisor powers but u've got supervisor tasks, don't release trolleys, we can't give them pounds

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (shortened because it broke my blog by being too long =/)

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Gah! *stress*

And... relax.

Work has a tendancy to wind me up to extremes and then just drop them as quickly. It's a bit disorienting, but I've decided what the best thing to do is. I'm applying for Somerfields instead, racing Morrisons against Somerfields. If Morrisons improves before Somerfield give me the job, then i'll stick with Morrisons. But honestly, I feel so... restricted these days it's ridiculous. I feel like I can't do anything because it'll have a policy on it. I swear there's got to be a policy for taking a shit at Morrisons.

Although, looking on the bright side, I'm quitting for the summer holidays. I'm gonna spend about a month between wherever I am and Rolls Royce. 4 weeks of kicked back chilling with my friends, sponging off the savings account to keep me going. I know I shouldn't, but fuckit. I think I've earned it.

And what do I have planned for this month of relaxation? Well, for one, I'm going to make up for the missed holiday in Year 11. I'd really hoped to have gone somewhere with a few friends for a week or so, but we were all a little too young to make anything of it. Now, older and wiser, I'm gonna try again. Found a nice little place in Yorkshire (Robin Hoods Bay for anyone who cares) which is close to both Whitby (Inspirational home of Dracula, baby!) and Scarborough (Megas!!!). Will be passing details onto friends tomorrow.

In other news... the lack of updates. Well... to be honest with you it's because I've not been feeling that bad over these last few days. Not even seeing Gina's family at work could bring me down.

It's been good these last few days. Went to a friends 18th last night. Didn't drink too much and the party was a smidgen slow to get started... but it ended well so I'm happy enough =)

Also... my feelings are kicking up a fuss again, useless emotions. Won't go into too much detail, but suffice to say those who know me have already picked up on what I was trying quite hard to deny to myself.

So that's how things are looking right now in my world. Haven't forgotten about Mikey, will be doing what needs doing tomorrow and I know now I really did win. He's now even More hated (if such a thing were possible) than before - and as it turns out there's a huge amount of people around here who seem to be happy enough to back me up. It feels like infamy is turning into mild fame. Joy!

Stay safe all.

P.S. (to other bloggers) It's weird when you have fans. Especially when you know them. I don't think I like it.... much.....

I am Heaven Sent

2005-03-04T16:22:00.000Z

Heehee - i found the Purrrrfect way to get rid of people looking for a fight.

Remember Mikey from a few posts ago, well today after school he's all "Come on!" and the like so I just put my earphones on full blast and ignored him. To start with I was worried, as I crossed the field I started to smile. He was wasting so much effort, not just him but all of them, about 3 I think, all trying to provoke me.

A girl was standing up for me. Telling Mikey to pack in. I wanted to tell her to just leave it, but I didn't want to turn round. I wanted the world to know Mikey was doing all this. Not me.

So I kept walking. The only worry I had was at a little muddy bit. If I was Mikey I'd have gone for a push there where there's little grip and a Lot of mud. But Mikey didn't. So hurrah! I got over the mud and met Bobster. Mikey was kicking up shit and I just told Bob not to worry. We got to a street, Mikey pushed Bob over, I swung round.
"You know your fight's with me, right?"
"Why'd you pull your chain on me?" Mikey snapped back. I had already disconnected my chain when he showed up 2 days ago, it was just unfortunate he saw me wrap it round my knuckles.
"You were threatening my friend."
"I was asking him for a fag!"
"Which he didn't have."
"Which he wouldn't give me and thats when I get violent" <-- This is gonna be Such juicy evidence if this goes anywhere and I can say I was acting in self defence (and defence of the weak) when I had my chain.
Bob was up and I just nodded to him and said "Go Bob. I'll be OK."
I didn't want my friends there, this was my problem. I turned back to Mikey "Look, Mikey, I don't care. Just go away."
The earphones go back in and I continue my walk home.

They kept shunting me, trying to trip me up, kicked my shoe off, sent it across the road but a kind soul was good enough to pick it up and return it to me. I put it back on, Mikey's in front going "Come on!" and I just walked past him. Another push. I kept listening to my music.

About 5 minutes of harrassment and provocation pass. Then, praise their name, Brand New came on. I skipped to "Ok, I believe you, but my tommy gun doesn't."

It's my favorite song, now anyway.

"I am heaven sent.
"Don't you dare forget.
"I am, all you ever wanted.
"What the other boys all promised
"Sorry I told."

I sang with full voice. As loud and as proud as I could. It felt good. It felt Incredible. And the best bit, I notice no shadow behind me. Mikey had gone. Thank you Brand New *much hugs to the Brand New people*

And so, in conclusion, want to get rid of someone? Sing. Sing with your heart. Let them know you aren't afraid of them. Keep singing. Always and forever. Also, I said thankyou to the kind soul with my shoe and they knew the girl who stood up for me and will be passing a thankyou letter onto her for me.

Thank you, everyone who was there.

And now I'm off to work to push trolleys.

You don't think I'm worth a buck

2005-03-04T15:32:00.000Z

Been feeling really positive these last few days. Did my first piece of artwork that wasn't depressing or creepy. Not really much happening, except that Morrisons have now taken over fully and we're all trying to get to grips with all the new procedures.

It's a bit on the stressful side, mainly because how I do my job is affected by others and I'm having to learn their paterns as much as my own. I'll give it 2 weeks. If I still hate it I'm off to Somerfields.

Been writing a fair bit of poetry these last few days. Mostly ones for my friends. We got thrown off our table yesterday which sucked but we found somewhere knew to crash and chill. I think it's better because we're in a room so no-one walks past and spouts shit at us.

Only problem is JP is easily distracted and has a thing for wires =/

And I'm finally trying to get my time organised. My tutor sat down with me and gave me a plan of action which should result in me getting all my coursework in on time so *much joy* =D

So that's how things are going in my (now) quiet world. Oh, and I've taken the place, but I think I said that last time.

Either way, I feel like a million dollars.

Fruition Of Time Well Spent

2005-03-02T20:35:00.000Z

Well friends, it's official. The placement is mine and mine alone. I am the only person who was offered the place at Rolls Royce as Webmaster for the Combustion Departments intranet. Web Editor for short =)

Waiting on the nitty-gritty details, the questions you don't ask while you're still trying to impress, but if they come back good then I'll say "yes" and I'll be set in place to do my Gap Year full time working on possibly one of the best jobs a pre-graduate could ask for.

I applied for YinI a while ago, just got my details in to the co-ordinator in time, went to an interview where everyone else was in suits and all I had was my black short-sleeve shirt and trousers. My first YinI interview. I was up against 9 others for the placement. That was narrowed to 2 in the first interview which lasted 15 minutes. Then a second interview around the offices where I'll be working, meeting my future colleagues, lasting about an hour.

And now, here I am. Offered one of the most... not so much privelleged but... oh, whats the damn word, not reveared.... oh dammit.... *checks YinI's site*... prestigious places in the whole YinI course.

You know, sometimes, when I keep the crazy inside and smile more than nessecary, I rule =D

So hurray for me!

Wrote 2 poems today. Ones here, just under this post, for you all to read. Don't know why Gina's been on my mind so much recently. Ah well, it's all part of the healing process I guess. It'll all work out in the end. I'm sure of it.

And OMG! While I'm thinking about it, one of the girls, Lucy, zOMG can she sing. Ezzo sent me one of her songs, it's very quiet compared to my other stuff, "Indie-Folk" I believe is the genre Ezzo put it into, but it's fantastic =)

Gonna buy her albums tomorrow, she's indie so it'll only cost £4 for both (that's what Ezzo says anyway).

As for the second poem I wrote, well, that was for one of my good friends. The Star In The Darkness. I love being bored in business lessons. I dunno what it is, but thats when I write some of my favorite stuff. Written 4 so far in business lessons.

Hehe, Andy, you think I'm working when I focus that hard on the monitor and keep tapping away at the keyboard? =)

So there you have it. I scored a fantastic job, I wrote some poems and I'm thoroughly full on pizza (celebratory meal from my parents because of my placement).

Stay safe, dear readers.

Version 4.0

2005-03-02T20:21:00.000Z

Why 4.0? Alex, Winson, Hamster, Xander.

-------

I don't want to be like you
I don't want to be like me
I don't know who I am
I don't know who you were

I've changed so much
You changed too
I can't stop feeling like I'm losing me
And I'm becoming you

Once I would have died to be with you
But I never wanted a part of you
Now I can feel that side
Festering in its own vile pool

You left me so tired
Drained me of life and feeling
You damaged me so much
This is gonna take a lot of healing

I know I'm not broken
I just need fixing
I found my repair team
They help me cope with these things

You still hurt me now
But now I know the problem
It isn't you anymore
It's that I can't cope with what's happened

You left me so numb
You left me without a care
And the only memory I have
Is you ripping out your hair

drinking mid week

2005-03-01T23:42:00.000Z

fun =)

People should drink more on days other than friday and saturday. it's Awesome. Being drunk (well, to the point of not-caring anyway), having school tomorrow and Not Giving A Fuck! =D

Speaking of which, *much-boogying*, I got offered the place at Rolls Royce! Yeah baby! Gonna be a full-time webmaster =D

Will tell you all the details once I know them, gonna be getting a phone call tomorrow morning where I get to comb through the details =)

Sleep well, my friends.

Rip Into Me

2005-03-01T12:03:00.000Z

Just a poem I scribbled down whilst listening to American Head Charge... I just felt angry, but at least I'm back to aiming at the world and not me.

Rip into me
Pull me apart
Shred my insides
Tear out my heart

Cut me open
Gut me while I breath
Remove all this hate
And I only hit the floor when you leave

You borrowed my dreams
Now you’ve stolen my future
Your lies were for nothing
You were a shit teacher

I fell for everything
Like a knife through butter
You broke and corrupted me
Nearly left me a cutter

But Now I Push You Away
It all makes sense now
The maggots fester in me
I’m your slaughtered cow

You almost destroyed me
Like acid on the skin
You left me burnt and changed
But you didn’t win.

Rude Boys and a downhill slope

2005-02-28T18:57:00.000Z

todays been up and down a fair bit. had some good ideas, had some bad. Been happy, been angry, been ready to brain someone in the back of the head, been sad.

Chronological is the best kind of order (unless you question the structure of time but I can see this going off on a tangent so I'll stop) so here goes:

Morning. Overslept by about an hour so it was a case of fall out of bed, wash, throw clothes on, leave. Remembered the important stuff though, like my new found way of making my chain finally work on me (after 3 years of having the damn thing) and my MP3 player. My MP3 rules a whole lot now I've got one again. Plenty of tracks and excellent battery life =)

Jump to lunch time. Lou was again in one of her funny moods (playful is probably a little too much, but she was defineitly looking for some attention) so we ended up having quite a poking fight. Damn girl though, hit one of the nerves in my leg leaving the whole thing itching for about 10 seconds. And she spilt hot chocolate (hot this time) on my leg again! Was only a little bit but this one was hot so my yell was not just out of frustration =P

After school, chilling with Emz and Bobster. Having a laugh, talking about the past, just plain ol' chillin. Three rudies (those subhuman things which where all that burbury shit) come up and start making all kind of shit with Bobster, demanding a fag when he didn't even have any. Wanted to just fucking brain the little shit, except this was a big shit and, sadly, a Real fucking cry-baby who'd probably have gone back to his "ho", whoops, I mean "mum", crying like a stuck pig if I'd hit him, nevermind noosed him with the chain =]

It's another horrid example of the town I'm in rapidly going round the U-Bend of the shitter it's in. Belper is going downhill far too fast for anyones liking. It started with a few bus stops having their scheudle holder smashed, then one of the big bus stop ads (the ones which are about 6 feet high) being smashed, then a guy having the shit kicked out of him at 5:30pm on the high street.

What The Fuck is going on?

*sigh*

But, in other news the nightmare 13 hour shift has been changed to 4 til 830 so thats a little more bearable. But there's a huge group going to Notts and I'll have a fair bit of £££ to spend on some cool stuff, so I'm gonna try and get cover. If all else fails the bribery starts happening.

I am determined to go to Notts this saturday. There's a sword in there I just can't take my beady (blurry) little eyes off =)

Will keep you updated, seeing All the porter/packers on Tuesday so should find one of them who can cover me.

Wish me luck.

sunday night

2005-02-27T23:19:00.000Z

just a (late) scheduled update

not much to report, and that's actually a good thing. i've been feeling reasonably ok and when i have felt bad i've turned to a friend rather than here. turns out i'm not as crazy (or at least so unusually crazy) as i thought. Turns out that I'm not the only person who feels like theres 2 people inside them. so hurray =)

in actual news - my mums been getting rattier and rattier over these last few weeks. i tell her something, she gets all worked up, i ask her to chill because it's not her problem (which it isn't, the problems are mine for me to deal with) and then she just goes off on one and ends up yelling at me like it's all my fault! Wtf did I do? She's the one who gets frustrated! I never asked her to. Example from today:

We're in the car, coming back from safeway. I mention I've got this shift which reads from 730 to 830. That's either an hour (which is retarded) or 13 hours (which is just plain brutal). Then mum goes off on about how they can't give me overtime without consulting me. Fair enough. But she's told me that about a bazillion times and I know. I say that.

"Mum, I know, ok? There's no need to tell me again."
"I'm just saying, you need to make sure you don't accept anything you don't want to do." She said that like it was her who'd been lumped with a 13 hour shift and it was coming out like she wanted to add on "You stupid boy. Why'd you say yes to that shift?"

"Ok mum. Just chill. I know what I'm doing." Ok, I may have sounded a little irritated, but I was and I had full rights. You can only be told the same thing so many times before you just don't want to hear it anymore, to save her the effort if nothing else. Then... she exploded.

"Right! Fine! Get out the car. Go on. You can bloody walk home! Go on. You ungrateful sod!" She's yelling, pointing, the whole lot. If I'd said something like "Fuck off mum. For fucks sake. I don't give a shit." I may, MAY, have understood the explosion. But I'd been polite, calm and was just asking her to destress. Relax. I can't work this out.

"Whats up with you? Why are you getting so worked up? What's the reason?" I asked her. I'm trying to remain calm, she's pissed as it is without me fanning the fires.

"You're not going to earn enough to make ends meet."
"But you're getting angry over me taking on overtime, which I haven't done. So you're yelling at me for an entirely different reason."
"It's your attitude. You're always just 'Go away. It's not your problem.'"
"That's because it Isn't your problem. I'm meant to be living on my own, remember?"

She didn't reply, dad had come back and she just got out of the car and slammed the door behind her to pay for the petrol.

I dunno why, maybe it was the music, I had Brand New on, but all that just got to me and I started crying. I just felt so useless. I've got everyone shouting at me for stuff that either isn't mine or isn't their responsibility.

I've got my supervisor at work who keeps treating me like I'm responsible for all the other porter/packers, when I'm just a part timer who needs the money and has no idea how to run a department. And when I get home my mum sits there and gets all wound up over something she shouldn't do and then takes it out on me when I ask her to calm down. I'm only looking out for her. Why'd she get so angry?

But the crying... in hindsight, it was nice in it's own strange way. I feel like I'm coming to enjoy crying. Because when I cry it releases so many emotions its incredible. After a good cry... I feel refreshed... better. I feel like each tear carries away another negative feeling. It's something I miss quite a bit. Having someone to cry with. I remember about a month before me and Gina split up I was crying for no reason. She just held me and said it was ok and it was probably just me getting some stress out.

*sigh*

Why'd you bring her up tonight, Marsh? Why'd you make me think of her? He asked quite a poigniant question though. Do I miss her? I miss having someone there. I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone to hug. Not fussed about being hugged back, I just want someone I can hold and who'll let me rest my head on them.

The worlds giving me a headache... I just want someone to let me rest my head for a while in their lap whilst they stroke my hair. Thats something else I miss. Stroking. Miss having my arms stroked and I miss stroking her back. But now I'm getting a little too intimate for most of you people to tolerate.

Yes, I miss her being there. No, I don't miss Her.

And the worst bit is... the real bottom line for me... is that I think my best friend was a total psycho. If the one person who I really connected with, emotionally and spiritually, the one person I could spend whole Days just talking to and through 11 months not have a single awkward silence, not even for a second, was someone who had so many problems with them... what does that honestly say for me?

"For every high
There is a low
For every to
There is a fro

To and Fro
Stop and Go
That's what makes
the world go round"

meaningless sorrows

2005-02-26T20:55:00.000Z

This cheap-ass world is giving me a big-ass headache... My heads back into 'fuckup' mode. My emotions have been hopping all over the place again... maybe its money problems... 17 and I'm having financial worries.... I've grown tired of being surprised.

I can't seem to control my feelings again. It's like... it's like they just don't want to get on a line and stick to it. I know no one can Truly control their emotions... but mine are up, down and all over the place. It's... it's not something I want to deal with anymore. I just want something to work out and make me smile. That's been happening these last few days, what with Rolls Royce and all, but today has been one of those days where I just feel.... wrong... upset for nothing.

I had a good day, got a CD I've been wanting for a while, had a laugh with a few close friends (and made a two new ones, I feel)... but I just... I just can't smile about it. I can't say "Today was a good day." It was. But I just don't feel like it was.... oh.... *sigh* I'm not making sense.

I just want my councellor to phone me so I can book a damn appointment and get on that road-to-recovery everyone seems so keen to be on.

jaws on the floor

2005-02-25T23:36:00.000Z

OH MY GOD!!!!

That is... without a doubt... awesomeness-on-a-very-big-awesome-stick and it's the reason you should go out and get The Feeding

Now go - go and live in the wonder that is American Head Charge =D

In other news, my job is slowly starting to suck. Morrisons are piling a ton of new rules and practices and my supervisor was in "Hyper-Vague" mode tonight.
Me: "How should I do this?"
Supervisor: "Just get it done."
"Great, but how?"
"Just get it done."
"Great, but how?"
"Just get it done."

Noticing a pattern yet? Yeah. Stupid work. No ones got a fucking clue whats happening. New stuff keeps appearing and no ones even leaving a quick how-to guide. I know it might sound retarded... especially since its just changing bins - but it gets frustrating when no-one knows how you should do your job and yet management is treating you like you should be a fucking God at it.

Gah! Useless work.

Got my System hoodie - another Bloody medium! I've paid £16 for Nothing. Damn you America! Damn your eyes!

And I have my new MP3 player - 512MB of built-in and it can be expanded so joy! Lets hope this one lasts more than a month.

Keep safe all.

We ain't got Nothin'!

2005-02-23T23:25:00.000Z

Man, A rock so much. I've only just rediscovered them, but Nothing is an absoulutely Awesome tune =)

Got my big interview/introduction thing tomorrow down at Rolls Royce. Big day... I'm all excited and nervous. But who knows. I could make a good impression and land myself the job =)

Had a great chat with a friend today. She's found a book which she relates to really well. I'm glad. It seems to have upped her spirits a lot, and happy friends help keep me happy =) (hence all these damn smileys =D)

So wish me luck. Wish me bad luck if you feel so inclined. I'm off to sleep to the sweet sounds of American Head Charge =)

G'nite all.

What a day!

2005-02-23T17:57:00.000Z

Oh My God! Today hasn't stopped for anything. I normally don't like to bore you with me going "I did this and that" but, today is a day worth mentioning.

Let's kick off with the morning. Had to be at school for 8:30am because I was going on a school trip. We went to the Thorntons factory where they make all the Thorntons toffee, chocolates and sweets. Much yummyness from all the free stuff we got to have =D

Got back to school in time for PSE - a crappy lesson where we do Fuck all. Except I mentioned to my tutor I'm living on £50 and I think I got her interest. Here's hoping I don't have to tell everyone else =
Lunch time - generally quiet. I was a little excitable and then, about 5 minutes to the end, Lou was bored, built a tower of drink cans, put something with hot choclate (gone cold) in the tower, someone hit the table, and cold hot chocolate was all over my gloves, jeans and bag. Bloody Lou.

Cut to me getting home. My mums there with the biggest grin on her face. 2 things have arrived. My System Of A Down hoodie (complete with a £6.85 customs bill) has finally arrived after me ordering around 18th December, and my dad will be picking it up tomorrow. Here's hoping its a XL one like I asked. If it's another medium I think I'm gonna scream.

There was also something I'd rather not divulge to the general public of the internet but suffice to say it required me to go to Belper. I grab a bus in, get to where I need to go, only to be told I needed more ID than I had on me (lame!) and being under 18 I also needed my parents ID too (Double lame!). So that was fruitless.

As I step out of the building, I look to my left to see a guy on all fours take a mighty kick to the stomach. The girl beside him starts screaming for help and the mans assailants make a run for it, down the main street. The girl is screaming a fair bit now. "Somebody help!" that kind of stuff. Well - I may come over as callous, mean and uncaring but damn, this guy was beat up. I walked down, racking my head for stuff I could do. 3 people had already reached for their mobiles and had dialed 999 and I have no credit and Virgin will probably not connect my call because they're bastards.

I see the guy, blood is running off his face. It looks like a scene I'd expect from around 2am in a large city, not 4:30 in Belper's high street. I was stunned. Two girls had stuck their heads into a local dry cleaners to get a towel and I thought I finally thought of what I could do. A quick walk across the street into Boots for a first aid kit, but an insurance issue prevented them from providing treatment on the street. Fair enough, I figured. She puts something on the cut, he has a reaction to it and Boots would be in the shitters.

So I went back outside. Someone was there that seemed to know first aid, an ambulance was on the way. I just wanted to get out of there. I couldn't help in any way so I just walked home, trying to work out why Belper is going downhill so quickly.

Couple all that with the fact that I've got to go to Rolls Royce to see the office where I could very well be working in a few months, as well as all of mondays activities, it's panning out to be another very busy week.

Ah well. Busyness keeps the mind focused.

Comments And Nottingham

2005-02-21T21:13:00.000Z

'Lo all. What the hell happened today, eh? Thats a mess in my last posts comment box. Here's my response though because I want you all to read this before commenting:

Much sighing.

Look, you wanna dig at me go nuts.

But leave my friends alone, k? I know the first 'Adam' (the one with the link to Livejournal) ain't my friend Adam from school. Well done. You just proved to me there are some real sick people out there who, for one reason or another, want me to think my best friends are turning on me.

Look, which bit of this do you fail to understand:
I only post my negative feelings here. It's only full of mopeyness and bitching because that's Exactly what I want to vent. The good things, the happy things, I keep inside because that's where it does the most good.

Ok? Got that? Good.

Failure to understand will result in me looking into ways of sticking the message in your face every time you want to comment because this is now the Third time I told you this.

Now, with the unpleasantness (sp) out the way, here's whats happened today in the every intriguing world of mine.

Had my Year In Industry interviews today. So I had to get myself from Belper to Nottingham. Easy. Got to my interviews, my first with Rolls Royce. Went really well. The guy practically said "You've got the job if you want it" =D

I could be the webmaster for Rolls Royce Combustions Intranet. How FREAKING AWESOME is that???!?!?!??!??! IT'S ULTRA AWESOMNESS-ON-A-STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

Sorry. Just a little over-excitable.

My other interview was with Babcock HCS. Not fussed about them. The guys interviewing me weren't too pleasant and I don't think I'd want to work with them. So bugger that. I want my Webmaster job =)

Got me 3 books to. Gorky Park, Polar Star and Red Square. Looks like some fun reading - all set in Soviet Russia (one of my interests in life).

So been ok today. A few downers - stuck in Nottingham for 1 hour 30 mins because my ticket didn't work between 4 and 5:30, got on the wrong bus and took 1 hour 15 mins to get to derby, missing my bus home by 10 mins meaning another 50 mins farting around Derby with Nothing to do because it was 6:45. Ah well, just meant I got cold. And I got some gloves cos it was snowing (hurray for Artic weather!) =D

So... In summary... good day today. Sorry for bailing on your party Gibb, but at 8pm I was at the Belper bus stop with about 60p for spending purposes and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. Will be out on Friday though because we Are going into Derby this friday =)

All the little pieces

2005-02-20T23:33:00.000Z

Oh I don't know whats wrong with me. i feel like i've pinpointed my most... frequent trigger for sadness... but its so pitiful i just want to shake my head and deny it.

Happy couples

Yeah.

Of all the retarded, stupid, pointless, selfish things to get worked up over... happy couples. Well, just couples in general but the happy ones, the ones who have their arms around each other.... =(

Yeah.

I suck as a person don't I?

I don't know what it is. Memories I guess. Of when I was like that. When I was the guy smiling with his arms around a gorgeous girl who was the whole world and then some.

Times change, people come and people go, but a memory will never leave you.

I'm so tired of being here. Feeling stuck in this stupid hole. I want to get out of it. I want to just hoist myself out of this hole and go get myself sorted out. Get back to knowing myself. Get back to being okay with myself. Stop being so damn dependent on others.

But wanting and doing are two Very different things. Yeah, I can smile at myself, but I know its fake. I don't love myself. I don't like myself. I only tolerate myself because I've got a reflection.

I used to be a good person. I used to be a quiet person. I used to be a silent, smiling, strong person. I used to be the best person I'd ever met. Now what am I?

I'm a jealous person. I'm not a good person. I'm an angry, jealous, hated person. I'm the second worst person I've ever met.

But hey, I've written it down now. I'm not the only one who feels like this. There's a guy on the 'net, he writes the same stuff as me. Identical it is. And he's there. So I'm not alone. Because I can read his blog and I know someone is going through the same shit as me and feeling the same thoughts and at least I know someone out there understands.

That's why I have this blog. So I know there's someone out there who 'gets' me. Someone who understands, follows, accepts. Even if that persons me.

Great. Now I sound schizo too. Whoopdee-frickin-doo.

Vermillion - My Version

2005-02-20T22:21:00.000Z

Hehe - I seem to have a habit of doing this kinda thing. I hear a song I like and I put my own little spin on it.

Inspired by (and blatantly ripped off from) "Slipknot - Vermillion" (about 2 mins in)

It's hard to say
What got my attention
It seems crazy
A pointless attraction

I don't know
Whats inside of me
But it keeps on building
Deep down inside of me

I see you in my face
It helps me recognise
It's just a pheromone cull
Wool, pulled over my eyes

I don't know
Whats inside of me
But it keeps on building
Deep down inside of me

I am a slave
Never the master
Theres no restraints
To what I give her

I don't know
Whats inside of me
But it keeps on building
Deep down inside of me

You can't be real
I won't make you real
But if you're not real
This feeling isn't real

I don't know
Whats inside of me
But it keeps on building
Deep down inside of me

A Bit Late

2005-02-20T21:43:00.000Z

Whoops. Sorry. missed my schedule there =)

Well... It's official. I'm packing in TKD. Not permanent, but at least until I go to Uni.

What else... hmmm... Not much really happening. Got my interviews tomorrow. That'll be fun. Go in, make an idiot of myself and piss away my chances at Rolls Royce.

Not really up to this tonight so I'll think I'll just get back to my IT coursework. Yep. Left it to the last minute. Ah well. Sucks to be me.

For every high there is a low

2005-02-20T00:22:00.000Z

The higher you fly, that harder you hit the floor. I just went through one of the biggest emotional swings I've had in a long time...

I just finished Half Life. No cheating (except for one use of NoClip on that damn sewer bit (where you have to use the barrels before they fall down the water fall). For the first time ever. I was well chuffed =)

Went through all the end, quit... and then I crashed. I realised how hollow it all was... I wanted to turn round and hug and smile at someone. I'd just done something for the first time, that always means a lot to me. But there was no-one there... only Evanescence - Taking Over Me (origins version).

I feel empty inside... i feel incomplete, unfinished, somethings missing in me. I don't think it's a girlfriend. I hope I've not become that dependant on someone I probably won't meet for another 16 years. I just want a friend. Someone who comes round, we play games, muse on life and talk about school. I don't have anyone like that these days. I used to have a friend like that, but that was over 3 years ago. Now my mates are either drinking buddies, colleagues, or just people I don't know That well.

heh... if its not one thing its another. I'm so damn demanding of this world.

Sorry world, can't help it.

Musings On Love

2005-02-18T22:38:00.000Z

Is it truly better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? My thoughts on it, as created during my walk home.

Love is truly like a drug. A class A** drug. It's one which is probably the most potent and most addictive. It gets deeper inside you than anything else. It passes your physical body and eats into your soul, your mind. And once you've tasted it... once you've felt it long enough... it becomes a very part of your soul.

You do anything to keep it alive. You turn your back on your friends, your family, everyone, just to make your love happy. You'll do anything they ask. You let love consume you. Utterly and totally. You give yourself over to all those incredible feelings. You don't want to stop smiling. When things get back, just one thought and all seems right in the world. It is the Ambrosia. It is the perfection. It's the one thing in this world you really feel you'd die for.

But what happens when you lose love? All those incredible things... gone. Your left empty... craving... every breath is a breath wasted as it's not for love. You spend your existence craving for the next time someone will make you feel that way. You pull yourself your apart, to be with the one who made you feel like that but hurt you or to wait until you find someone who'll make you feel like that again without the pain at the end.

Love is a crippling drug. It truly is as important as breath. I don't know how I feel on the Loved and Lost idea. Sometimes, I believe it Is better to have loved and lost... at least you knew how it felt. But others, I wish I'd never loved at all.

So there you go. My ideas.

A Love Poem

2005-02-18T22:18:00.000Z

I wrote this earlier this afternoon... just never got round to posting.

A Love Poem

Put your arms around me
Tell me I'm your one
Hold me close and never let me go
Let me listen to our special song

Tell me I'm your one
Run your fingers through my hair
Convince me you'll never leave
Say you'd go with me anywhere

Put your hand on my chest
And punch through it
Tear my heart out
Don't put any effort into it

See my eyes wide open
Hold my heart in your hand
Watch me bleed and die
As my soul turns to sand

Leave me there, dead to the world
A husk of the boy you fooled
Drop my heart in the dirt
And laugh at the boy you fooled

Stranger on the rock

2005-02-18T02:28:00.000Z

Don't know where all this came from. Wrote it just after the last post.

------

He stands on a rock. A flowing cape, black as the night, hangs off him and dances in the wind. His soft, thick hair, as black as the cape, flicks and jumps as the wind catches it.

His eyes are utterly focused on something. Something distant. Something that isn't there. The sparkle is caused by the moon. He blinks. It stands out only because you're aware it happens so rarely. His breathing is slow and deliberate. His chest rises and falls with the crashing of the waves.

You don't want to go near him. Not through fear, but because you fear his lack of response. He's in a world of his own. A world he cherished and loved. Nurtured through the seasons and gave all he had to give. For one person. That's what his world had been for. As his present to his love, whomever she may have been.

But you can see in his stare, out over the horizon to something that he knows he'll never have, that all did not turn out as he had planned, as he had wished. His love and his soulmate came before him. He opened his gates and gave her his perfect world. He never said this, he always believed there was something more he could have done, but he gave her the world all the same.

The great forests, the breathtaking mountains, the calm pools and the small, idylic centres of ideas and thoughts. A fortress which could both seal its walls to protect and open it's gates to new people and their ideas. And his crowning seat, a throne fit for only a Goddess, was where his love and his soulmate sat.

And she smiled her wicked smile.

She played the boy for a fool. Exploited him for her own gains. She lied to him. But the boy had only smiled and accepted her, saying he understood why. The man on the rock closes his eyes, and winces in inner pain, before continuing his stare.

All the boy had asked of her was the solemn vow. That this world was hers for as long as she remained only his. But she broke this vow. She broke it many times in many ways. But the boy was blind. He continued perfecting his world and giving it all over to her.

And then... one dark day... when the boy had nearly finished his lifes work and had given the girl all he had to give, she set the fires. A fire in the fortress, a fire in the forests, a fire on the mountains and fires in the town. The fires raged everywhere. The world was burnt out of recognition.

The forests, where peace and tranquility had reigned, were engulfed in the flames of hate and betrayal and left as nothing but dead. The towns, where ideas had sprung anew and memories, happy and joyful, had played were destroyed and their inhabitants all killed or scarred by the fires of deciet and treachery. And the fortress, the place of total safety and retreat, cracked and crumbled and finally collapsed from the flames. Impenetrable to all but those let in, was destroyed by the person it had been made for.

The boy had looked upon his world. Burnt to cinders and left for dead. He wept for many, many days. He tried to hide it all, enraged it at the world that had spawned his demon Goddess. He created his own fires, in his soul. It was poor substitute for the warmth he had felt for his Love, for his Soulmate.

But it was not long before even those fires died. And there was nothing left. His world, he had spent his whole life crafting and perfecting was gone. There was nothing but darkness. The tranquility and peace had turned to fear and violence.

The towns bore their scars heavily. All of them now affected in some way by the Demon who had wrought their firey destruction. The boy could not look upon any of his memories, his ideas, without seeing his Demon in them.

His Fortress, his prized possession, his security from the world and his place of refuge, was gone. Utterly destroyed. He had never been so vulnerable. Anything could hurt him now.
The fires had even burnt his own eyes. Whenever he blinked, whenever he was sleepy, he remembered her.

His whole world had been affected by the Demon Goddesses fires. Everywhere he turned, something would remind him of her. Of her betrayals and of her lies. But worse, the world reminded the boy of his happiness with her, which now seemed lost for eternity.

In the days that passed after the Armaggeddon of his souls world, the boy became the man you see on the rock. Distant, unconnected. Constantly staring and trying to shut out his own inner world. He is trying to start again. To rebuild from the charred fragments, but some of the worlds fires still burn, and sometimes they catch his new lands and they burn just as well.

He fears you. That's why he doesn't look at you. Because he fears all now. Becasue he knows the power one person can have. How much devestation one person can wreak. And he never wants to have his world burnt again.

Turmoil In The World I Burnt

2005-02-18T02:01:00.000Z

I can't get these damn useless emotions sorted out. In the last 10 minutes I've wanted to cry through happiness, sorrow, anger, frustration and because of all that.

I can't get anything to just level out. Probably sleep deprivation... Will sleep. Hope it helps =/

Right Makes Might

2005-02-17T14:25:00.000Z

I'm not doing the right things anymore. I'm not eating right. I'm not drinking right. I'm not sleeping right. I'm not doing my job right. I'm not saying the right things. I'm not in the right places. I'm not thinking right ffs.

I just feel like it's all so Very wrong. But I do feel better (in a very context based sense (-50 happiness rather than -100)) so there's something.

relapses

2005-02-16T21:53:00.000Z

ya gotta love life. my friends go out and blow the same amount of cash i earn in a month on suits and clothes, only to find their parents will fit most of the bills whilst I'm left at home playing half life because it stops me wanting to scratch the shit out of my arms. oh fuck you life. fuck you in the eyes.

what the hell is it all about? what the fuck have i done so damn fucking wrong? i loved someone with all my heart, gave her all i had, and i'm left with sorrow, pain, regret and... well... a head so fucked up i need to go and see a fucking counsellor about it.

i tried to fix my life. tried to drag it out. i thought i was doing well... but Valentines and this half term has caused something of a relapse. i keep thinking of her. for a few moments i even thought of being with her, because then at least there was someone in my life. *sigh* Oh i don't fucking know anymore. i can't string 2 thoughts together without it fragmenting. all i want to do is have someone hold me in their arms and just let me cry... like i did with gina...

wtf.... i miss her. How and why the hell do I feel like this? I know its Valentines... I know its an anniversary of something Very personal... I can smell her... I know I'm probably just having too much time to think... but I... I just... I don't want her back... I just want to be with someone. I'm not asking for them to love me... I just want someone I can care for and will care for me back.

Won't you look?

2005-02-16T03:56:00.000Z

Here I am again. Feeling those same feelings I've felt many times in these last few months. Goalless. Pointless. Meaningless. What's the point in waking up tomorrow? What am I doing with my life? What am I striving for?

I keep hitting the same thoughts. Why am I alive? What waits for me? So I go through 6th Form, I go to Uni, I become a Software Engineer, I get my own place, I get a load of other shit I don't need for any other reason than I'm either lazy or I like it. But what's the point?

I live. I grow old. I die.

I'm not working for anything. I'm not benfitting anyone. All I'll ever be is a drone, making money for people already richer than me. I don't feel I can ever break out of the drone situation. Even if I become CEO for a mega-corporation... the taxes I pay will go to the Government. And what's the point in material wealth anyway? You die. Then it doesn't matter how many billions you have accumulated. You'll be forgotten in 10 years. Maybe a little longer if you've had a family.

A lot of you who have talked to me whilst I'm in this mood will know of my Ripple Theory. Imagine existence is a pool. Each time a life is born a stone is cast into this pool. The ripples they create can resonate all over the pool, some major, some barely noticable. But as long as these ripples exist a person never truly dies. But what happens if you can never make a ripple? Or what ripples you do make are all weak and die out very quickly?

I feel like that. A pebble cast into an ocean. My goal in life has been "Make a difference" for as long as I can remember but I'm so scared that at the end of it all, I won't make a difference, I won't even alter things in the slightest. So what's the fucking point waking up tomorrow? I'm not getting up for even one person.

If it comes down to it, I don't want to change the world, just one person. I want to have just one person who I live for. To give me a reason to get up in the morning. Someone who is my reason for going to work and earning the money I need to treat that person to the things they deserve.

I guess... I guess that's one of the things I miss about Gina. She gave me a purpose in my life. She was a reason to wake up in the mornings. Because I knew I'd be missed. I knew someone gave a real damn about me.

I just can't believe how wrong I was.

To love and lose

2005-02-15T13:35:00.000Z

It's pulling on me. This horrid thought.

You know how they all say "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"... well what if you loved a lie. What if nothing was actually true? Yeah, I can deal with the fact I've actually been unloved all my life... it's that I thought I was. And now... oh... god i don't know. I just feel... i can't... i don't think I'm going to see love if it ever happens for real. My first relationship turned out to be so fucked up... my second one i'm going to have to learn it all all over again.

I need to go back to how I was before. Before my first kiss, before my first date, before my first everything. Because I feel like all I know about relationships is wrong. And if I'm wrong about it all then I've been wrong to all those I tried to help and I've been wrong to all those I've tried to love and I've just been wrong about it all.

Oh what the fuck is up with me? It sounds so damn pathetic here, but I can't stop thinking of it.

Tears And Movies

2005-02-14T23:43:00.000Z

I feel clogged up... I can't see to put the words out. I feel... I feel... I feel a bad headache coming on. Like a vice on the back of my head. Whoopee. All I need right now. =(

Was crying tonight. Just some bad memories resurfaced. Well... good memories of a bad person. Yeah. I just want to sleep now though. So I'm gonna sleep. And all I want to do is not dream. Close my eyes and wake up tomorrow with all this behind me and just move on some more. Even just one step forward is a step forward.

Happy Valentines Day

2005-02-14T09:16:00.000Z

=)

Don't expect any more updates today - I'm unusually busy. Off to Nottingham to get some things and then its Movie Night =D

Today is the one day you can express yourself totally to the one you love, use this time wisely.

To celebrate this freedom of expression... Anonymous comments are re-enabled because I'm like that.

Happy Valentines Day =)

SIAD

2005-02-13T22:35:00.000Z

This is something which I feel is quite close to home and I thought I may as well use my blog for something useful for a change.

March 1st is Self Injury Awareness Day. No - I'm not making that up to be a bullshitter and get someone to fucking notice me - it's actually happening.

http://www.selfharm.org

I know I try not to SI - and I know my openness on the subject has led some of you to be sceptical and in some cases downright ignorant of me, but I do feel urges at times when there is an awful lot on my plate and I don't feel I can cope.

Because that's exactly what SI is. Coping.

If I smoked, if I drank heavily, if I did drugs, you'd probably not even give a shit. Because you understand that. You know about Tobacco. You know about Alcohol. You know about Marijuana. But you don't understand Hate. I don't understand it myself most of the time.

I hear myself say "Find another release. Do something else. Write some stuff down. Don't go down that line." But it really is just too much sometimes.

I had to learn all about self injury and depression because of Gina. Which means now, when I'm going through those feelings, the hate, the sorrow, the feeling of total hopelessness.... I know whats happening... I know why its happening.... I know there are cures....

Which sometimes makes me worse. Ever had an argument with yourself? One side of you wanting help, the other side knowing that this is the only way to deal with it without becoming something you've pretty much come to frown upon? To become a hypocrite?

I've become a lot more understanding of drunks, faggers and drug users lately... because now I know at least why some of them do it. Because they're trying to cope with life. They're doing what they do because it's their coping mechanism. But what I hate is when a smoker looks down on someone I know (or indeed myself) for our coping mechanism. I've come to understand you, please come to understand me and my friends.

That's what SIAD is all about. Understanding. Shaking off these myths. Helping those who really need help because we are so misunderstood. We don't do this for attention. We don't feel like this because of teen angst. We just have our way of coping.

Thanks for taking the time to read all that. There's a lot there. I'm just doing my bit for SIAD.

All I've got is insane

2005-02-13T17:54:00.000Z

Time for the scheduled update.

Don't really have much to write about. Well, I do, but its a surprise for someone and I know they read this and I don't want to ruin anything =)

Been pretty slow at work, except they had me move All the trolleys at the end of the day into the car park because they were power washing the area or something daft. So that sucked. I've been tired all day and I've got a sore throat off the walk home two nights ago. But I'm not too fussed about that. Too excited about tomorrow. Nothing expensive, I can't afford that, but I think I've come up with something which she'll like.... I hope... =/

Too cold tonight for TKD and I feel like crap so not gonna bother. Really should, but fuggit. Can't be arsed.

Here's to tomorrow; Nottingham, shopping and movies =)

It gets better

2005-02-12T21:52:00.000Z

This is certainly turning into the most interesting of days...

You know about the walk home from Derby, well at work today we had 2 power outages. Only lasted a second but it knocked out ALL the frontend tills except one. The first time nearly all the tills were in use and no one knew exactly what to do. The fun kind of pandemonium where everyone stops being able to move.

Then, on the walk home, I get pulled up to by a police car! Thankfully it was mistaken identity [shifty eyes] but apparently they were looking for someone matching my description. I don't think it helped I had a bag full of stuff (my work uniform because we had to empty our lockers tonight).

So... in less than 24 hours I have walked home from Derby (or at least half the way), seen Safeway frontend fall apart and been pulled over by cops. Throw in that I've been invited for a drink with a bunch of people from work on tuesday, the girl I like just went off the guy she liked, it's a very unusual anniversary (which I will Not go into or mention again), Download looks like a Very real possibility, I found out one of my work colleagues is a full on Goth (of drinking age!!!) and I have to make another phone call on Monday.... this half term is only around 2 days old it's already becoming the most interesting I've had so far.

bitter stings

2005-02-12T13:01:00.000Z

This is a straight quote off a Support For Sanity post I just left. I was just going to paste in the poem but I thought I'd better provide the context bit before any of you start worrying.

--

Another 2 minute poem. At least they're rhyming now.

This one isn't written in the context it suggests. It's about my pieces of paper. I know SI isn't going to be the answer. But my mind still fills with the ideas. So I take a paper and pen and use transference. It helps me. But I always keep the papers. Because I know when I have to see someone they won't believe me for shit if I'm in a good mood. I know they'll write me off as an "attention seeker". How do I know this? Because a voice in my head has already done that.

bitter stings

You can see your lines
Running over you
You shouldn't have
But you didn't know

They're always there
Reminding of the bad
Saying how you felt
Making you sad

And they're there
Until the day you end
They lie there
They call for friends

And now there are more
More of those things
Your mind is filled
With the bitter stings

A Beautiful Song

2005-02-12T11:44:00.000Z

"So by the morning's light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name"

Anywhere by Evanescence. It's an incredibly beautiful song. I've been listening to it so much these last few days that its making me all mushy.

Some more stuff from last night. We were on the dance floor when Marshy (bastard =P ) goes off and 5 mins later the DJ goes "this next ones for Alex Winson whose apparently on the pull". Like hell I was. He was on the freakin' pull for me. I had my heart somewhere else. I'd just finished one bottle and it hit Just the right spot.

My head filled with loving thoughts. Queen came on. Not the one song I was hoping for (Bohemian Raphsody) but Queen still reminded me of her. I couldn't think of anyone I would rather have been with than her. No other girl stood a chance. But Marshy doesn't seem to understand my softer side and kept bothering me all night... well... until he LEFT ME IN DERBY that is... =D

In other news - my legs are (remarkably) fine. I've got a bit of a sore throat but drinking so that helps. Got to have my breakfast, only just woke up. I'm also horrendously poor and I still need to go shopping =( Nevermind. I'll make ends meet somehow =)

You utter bastards

2005-02-12T04:14:00.000Z

Well... Oh my. Guess what I've been doing for the last 2 hours. Walking home. From Derby. In the rain.

Yep.

Went in with a few friends. Met my ex's sisters. Decided to find a place on the dance floor away from them. Went to find my friends a bit later. They'd fucked off home. Leaving me in Derby (which I might add is about 4 hours walk from Belper) with £5 to my name and two feasible choices.

I could either find a comfy spot in the bus station, which is totally open and made of cold, solid concrete, until the next bus at 7:20am or walk home. I went with the second option. Bought a cheeseburger and chips from a takeaway and began the journey home.

Must have been about 2 hours until i got the call form my mum at 3:50am asking where I was. She came and picked me up. I was about another 2 hours from home. I am soaked, tired and my legs are probably going to kill me tomorrow at work. But it was different. Not neccessarily fun, but different =)

Made me realise something though.
I love my Raphsody, my angel, my muse more than I realised.
*cuddles and kisses to the unrequitted*

Sleep well my comerades.

awww crud

2005-02-11T15:15:00.000Z

I think I gone and put not so much my foot as my whole leg in it... Said something I don't think I should've done to someone. Crud monkeys.

To that person - I'm sorry... Sorry if I pissed you off, sorry if I upset you, sorry if I did anything other than made you feel better (which I Really don't think I did).

"I've woken now to find myself in the shadows of all I created" Evanescence - Away From Me

Fly, time, fly!

2005-02-11T13:07:00.000Z

Doesn't time fly when you aren't paying attention. I thought it was about 11am....

In possibly some of the most awesome news ever - my pc runs Half Life 2!!! XD Here I was thinking my PC would just fall over and cry at the thought of just loading HL2 - it instead ran the whole thing with minimal effort. Bit of stuttering at the start of levels and when pretty heavy physics come into play (throwing explosive barrels at cars) but apart from that its smooth. Like, bust-a-dope-move smooth =D

And I finally got Bobster to play Gunbound. He's pretty good. Beat me a few times already. I just need him to get some experience of other players but he's as timid As =)

And you know the worst bit? I was awake earlier today than I am for a school day =P But I fell asleep again and didn't move until 9am =)

And zOMG!!! I've got a job interview for Rolls Royce for my Year in Industry! They're like Gods Dogs Bollox when it comes to placements! So I'm gonna have to make myself look all slick and awesome =)

So thats how today is going. Good and gooderer =) Need to do some special shopping though, so HL2 is going to have to wait another week or so =)

sigh

2005-02-11T00:58:00.000Z

Well... that was a different night out.

Met up with andy and marsh and went to harveys. A new drinking venue for me so I thought I'd try a new drink. Cider. Dry Cider. It tastes like piss. Horrible piss. In two hours I drank about 1/3 of a pint. So instead I tried Archers and Lemonade. Heaven in a glass =D

For a laugh we decided on a "fishbowl". £20, one big ass pitcher filled with all kinds of shots. Sounded cool =)

Went up, told the barmaid.... it went downhill from there. She did Not look happy about the idea. All sighs and complaints. We're you're fucking customers. At least Try to smile. Even I make the effort when I think people are looking at Safeway no matter how bad I feel at the time. She told us to sit back down and she'd surprise us.

It was purple and tasted like concentrated blackcurrant juice but with that horrid kick Vodka or Gin leave behind. I had about 3 strawfuls before my taste judder (if I eat something I hate my whole body judders) got to the point where I knew I couldn't taste anymore.

So that sucked. Pissed away a fiver on experience.

Then something interesting happened. We left Harvey's, got some food, ate the food, then Marsh had the idea of going down to a Cemetery. He told us this weird ass ghost story which him and one of his old friends had been through. I believed him but I honestly didn't think it was scary. We got to the path which went down to the Cemetery. I was curious over anything else. Fear wasn't there.

But Marsh was nothing short of shitting himself so just me and Andy wandered down. We agreed to stop at the gate to the actual cemetery (a medium length path away) because I didn't fancy risking stepping on someones grave because... honestly... I wouldn't appreciate it if it happened to me.

When we were at the gate me and Andy had the most unusual discussion. All religion and ideas on the super-natural. Very informative. Especially when he added at the end "Of all the people I expected to have this conversation with, you were the last." Seems alcohol has its way of making people see you for something different =)

Feeling happy tonight. Was a good laugh in the end. Now all I have to do is get some friends psyched up for a trip into Derby on Monday.

Keep safe, my friends.

Half Term begins

2005-02-10T16:47:00.000Z

Well - it's the half term now. A week of not much happening apart from a dose of chronic boredom and stress from all the work I need to do.

Not feeling great (again)... but at least I'm getting in touch with someone who can help. Mums just off to work. Going to phone them once she's gone.

I just... yeah. forget it. gonna make the phone call.

CS:BelperSchool

2005-02-09T20:06:00.000Z

Hey.

Been a funny ol' day today. Those of you who I trust know why. Those who I don't trust - please don't feel hurt... I just have some things in this life I'd rather not share with Everyone. Thank you all for being there, Grace, Gibb, Lucas, Emz, Bob and Ezzo especially, it means more to me than I honestly think I can express.

And just to clarify a few things - this place is for me and my friends. If you're not a friend, if you don't know who I am, don't judge me off this - it's one side of me and you don't know the history of what is becoming a very messy, complicated disjointed life.

In happier news - me and my second comerade in Nerdness, Wilson, have decided to do something stupidly brilliant or brilliantly stupid. Either way - it rules =)

We got a map of our school today for some reason and the moment me and Wils saw it we knew... This would make an Awesome Counter Strike map =D

So we're both beginning to learn Hammer/World Craft and we're going to try and make a small section of the school over the coming months.

Wish us luck but don't get your hopes up. We're both uselss procrastinators at the best of times....

Oversights

2005-02-09T14:03:00.000Z

I was hoping more people would ask if I was okay today. Because I've not been okay. I've been VERY NOT Okay all day. I had a very bad night last night. I ended up doing some things I don't want to accept. I do realise though that they could get worse and it is best to stop a problem as soon as you recognise it.

I put it down to a bad night and slept. But this morning I turned out to be worse off. I repeated the same actions, twice as bad. I wrote letters and words and pictures. Anything to get how I was feeling out of me because as quickly as it appears, the feelings dissapate and when I try to talk to others I feel retarded and stupid. So I keep my papers, my 'art' and my 'literature' with me. So I can show those who care how I felt this morning and last night.

I showed them to the one person I trust and who can actually help me and she recommended councelling... I heard her say it and I heard another voice say "you're crazy you are. They're gonna lock you up now." And I don't want to be locked up. I just want to cope with this stupid teen angst without destroying myself.

=(

2005-02-09T08:38:00.000Z

Have you ever done something so... scary that to call it uncontrolled would make it probably the worse thing you've seen yourself do? To watch from such a distance yet be its very centre... watching your arms doing things that you don't want them to... that you don't understand... yet you know you're doing it?

Those who know me... I will tell those I trust. I won't lie... I'm scared. Scared what it means... scared what it shows and scared what will happen now...

Half way to anywhere

2005-02-09T00:00:00.000Z

I want her now... I want someone to hold me... I want someone to hold... This sounds pathetic... to be so insecure in yourself... but I am. I want someone to cry with. Even if it isn't her. Just someone who will put their arms around me and be a shoulder for me. Someone who I can trust that much.

One day, it'll be nice to find someone I can trust again. Someone who will not laugh at me when I become emotional, who will not constantly demand, who will hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. Because right now I don't think it Is going to be okay. I think its all going to turn out wrong. It never seems to turn out right.

I know somethings going to go wrong. Someone (probably me but with my life it could be any number of people) will say something or do something which will ruin everything. Again. *longing for hugs*

I'm sorry. I'm being pitiful but I'd rather have it out here in text than inside me tearing me up again.

Yet more concessions

2005-02-08T23:22:00.000Z

Ha! You fools. First it was only me, now more of them break to the power of the blog.

2 new people for you to look at and enjoy:

Levente (the male half of Levente And Kat)
Bernie

I'm pretty certain Bernie wasn't expecting me to find his blog so soon (only been up since yesterday) but he's a fool like that.

In other news - Evanescence now decorates my desktop. Wanted a change (and my old Dragon picture got deleted when my hard disk killed itself) so off I went to get something mainstream (so I didn't end up on 'bad' sites) and meaningful (because I intend to be looking at it a lot because well... this is Windows we're dealing with here, you need to have something nice to look at as it tries to break your PC more).

So hurrah. Still feeling a little down for no clearly apparent reason - but thats life I guess. Nevermind dovorich (comerade in Russian I think/hope), better luck next time.

Still no luck with this damn movie night though. Gonna bother Lou tomorrow - the cutest of birds told me that its her favorite movie so I should be able to borrow her copy. Failing that, it's off to Derby to buy a (probably bootleg at that price) copy. With £5.... arse.

Good night all. And don't worry - MSN is broke for me too.

It's all good

2005-02-08T20:26:00.000Z

Got my PC back up and running. I really gotta recommend Norton Ghost. It's so bloody handy - in the time it took me to have my tea my PC is now back to how it was around december time. Granted, there are issues with that but hey - it works and I don't have to fuck around re-installing Gay-OL.

Been a funny day today. Not been able to buck up that much, no matter how hard I tried. Got a sad face on my hand because I just wanted a little way of telling people how I felt =(

And MSN is being teh ghay (as usual). Sigh.

Coming this Summer

2005-02-08T10:20:00.000Z

Trapsed in to Belper yesterday to stick in an order for a new hard disk. 80GB of Hard-Disky goodness. Only to realise I had work in 45mins. So one quick sprint home, some barely cooked rice and a brisk walk to work. Hurrah.

Only incident of note was Laura (someone who I used to know's sister) oddly decided to sing "love is in the air" as I walked past which was slightly creepy but helped me get home faster.

In other news - the movie night can't be on Friday which is a real bitch so it'll be a case of either Thursday night or Sunday night (can't be Saturday neither). AND Choices don't stock Queen Of The Damned. It's a freaking rental shop and they don't have either Edward Scissorhands or Queen of the Damned. Stupid (lack of) Choices.

Anyway, thought I'd bore you with that. I got home to find my first Univeristy offer. If I get BB in Business and B in ICT I can go to sheffield!!! So lots of knuckling down and trying to get good grades from now on :)

Well, that's the theory anyway.

Offline Blogging

2005-02-07T14:22:00.000Z

My apologies on the quiet times here. My PC is utterly broke and will be dead for about 5 days (if I'm lucky). But fear not, dear readers, for I have blog all the same. I will simply be having to do it in daily doses so expect one big post rather than many small ones for the next week or so.

Unlike the standard layout, these large posts will be done in chronological order. Instead of the latest thoughts at the top they'll be at the bottom of this post. Hope that makes sense.

The ---- denotes where one post ends and the thought train stops.

Keep safe.

-----

Went to derby on saturday. By utter luck 5 others joined me. Bob, Ezzo, Josh, Emz and Jack. Jack also brought a friend called Simon but I didn't know him at all :-
Anyway, nothing really happened in terms of material gained/exchanged, but I did come away with a few thoughts.

----

I never asked you to judge me.
You judged me out of your own choice.
You came to your own conclusions.
I'm only to you want you want me to be.
And if you hate me,
You hate your own creation.

----

Family are the ones who hurt us the most with the least effort.

----

I don't believe in censorship or oppression. Anything you find deleted from this blog is done so only as a clean up (such as repeated comments).
You want to be a fucktard, go ahead.
I won't stop you.
But be prepared for my uncensored, unoppressed responses.

----

I don't know who I am anymore.
You might hate yourself.
But at least You know What you hate.

----

Hugs: simple, honest life changers

----

Using simple principles: Selfless people attract selfish people. Selfish people want it all. Selfless people give them everything. Selfless people push away other selfless people: neither of them wants the others attention.

----

I try to sleep, but the silence is deafening.

How I long for noise in this silence. Normally, I have the hum of my PC, but even that lies still now.

I long, eternally, for the breath of another. A fellow slumberer. To hear their breathing. To know I'm not alone. But alone I am. Only the scratchings of the pen and the rustles of paper keep me company.

My own breath rings out in this world of silence. My thoughs have always had their own volume. Sometimes, like now, my thoughts yell. Like silence putting a megaphone to my brain. It is strange. To be deafened by nothing.

----

I wish she was here now. I wish she was in my arms. I'd lie awake and listen to her breath. I'd try not to wake her with my coughing. I'd watch over her as she sleeps. I'd feel her heartbeat, her pulse as her life runs through her and over my arms, where our bodies meet.

If she were to awake, love would be gazing back. I would be there to hold her, make her know she was safe.

And I'd have someone to sooth this damn cough.

I can't stop my heart or my head from feeling like this. In a way I want to. Her heart and her head are with someone else. But in another way, for all the other girls in this world, she's the one I love, and that means more than I will ever hope to understand.

"Hello"

2005-02-05T09:12:00.000Z

I'd say "good morning" but I don't want you to jump to any assumptions. Last night was a bit of a stupid mistake made worse by alcohol. I asked something when I knew the answer already. Kinda helped to hear it though. Not neccessarily in a good way - but in my little craphole for a life and certainty is good certainty.

I've gone and got a horrible cough. One of those which feel like graters in your chest and throat when you cough. The ones where it feels like the whole contents of your lungs and throat pay a visit every time you cough. And its not the *cough**cough* kind neither. There nasty big ass coughs. Ah well... Such is the way of these things.

Last day off work today. {sarcasam} Fun. I'm sooo happy. I'm going to enjoy today to the full. I won't sit indoors feeling stupid and pointless. As if.{/sarcasam}

I dunno. I feel like a political ramble of sorts. But I stopped following british politics at the last election. Lets face it - when the conclusion dictated by others then whats the point in following the story. I want to say the whole lots rigged, but not in the way you think I mean. Oh fuckit. Can't be arsed. Just want to play on my dreamcast. Going to get a new game for it today. Well, I want to any way. Might see if I can drag a few people down to Derby. Want some friends around me.